A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Beth,

Thanks for your note and question.

It’s interesting to read that you and your dad were so close, which makes us wonder what the anger is about.

Of course we can’t tell you how you feel or define your feelings for you, but somehow we get the sense that anger may not really be at the heart of it.

In fact, we’d imagine that your broken heart is what’s generating the feelings that you interpret as anger.

We’re making our assumptions based on the few lines you wrote. You didn’t mention your dad dying in violent or diabolical circumstances which could make you feel angry; nor did you mention anything that might indicate there were things he’d done to harm you over the years at which you’re still angry.

In helping grieving people over the past 35 years, we have three objectives for them:

1. To remember the person who died the way they knew them in life, not only the way they were when they died.
2. To have fond memories of that person not turn painful on them.
3. To have a life of meaning and value even though someone important to them has died.

We think those three goals are exactly what you’d like to achieve, if only you knew how. So If our guesses are correct, and those objectives appeal to you, we suggest you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. The net result will answer the three goals above.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John