Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - Blaming yourself is of no value, and it keeps you from the actions that lead to recovery. (Published 12-20-11)

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Blaming yourself is of no value, and it keeps you from the actions that lead to recovery. (Published 12-20-11)

How do I get over the death of my mother who died on her birthday? We were very close. Wherever she went, I was always there with her. She had Parkinson's disease for over 16 years and never complained. She lived life to the fullest. She was my best friend. The holidays are the worst. I just feel so depressed at times, I miss her so much .The night she went into cardiac arrest, I blame myself because I wasnt there with her. How do I go on? Its been only three months.I can lie in bed and just cry because I miss her so much. I pretend I hear her talking to me. How do I go on?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Barbara,

Thanks for your note.

As we’ve said in other responses, we’d like to help you re-state things just a little. In your first sentence you ask “How do I get over the death of my mother…?

“Getting over” implies forgetting, and you are never going to forget your mother.

The real issue is learning how to grieve and complete your relationship to all the familiar things you did with her, and to learn how to become emotionally complete with the fact that circumstances kept you from being there on the night she had her heart attack.

Blaming yourself is of no value to you and doesn’t represent how you felt about her. We have no doubt that if you knew what was going to happen, you would have been there for her.

The other thing we want to comment on is the fact that this is still new and raw for you. Three months is a relatively short span of time in which to learn to adapt to this new, painful, unwanted reality. And, while time is not what heals emotional wounds, we certainly want you to be gentler with yourself as you learn to live life again without her here.

Lastly, we don't have a problem with you talking to her, or pretending to hear her talking to you. I must tell you that even though my mom died 18 years ago, when I need some guidance, I will close my eyes and I can hear my mom giving me some help. Even though I know that it is my own memory of the kinds of things she told me many years ago, it still feels good.

We recommend that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it suggests. You will find that you’ll be able to retain the happy memories, and that the painful last images will come up less and less.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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Blaming yourself is of no value, and it keeps you from the actions that lead to recovery. (Published 12-20-11)

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Ask The Grief Experts Archives

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