Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - It's sometimes difficult to stay to the end when someone you love is dying. (Published 1/28/2014)

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It's sometimes difficult to stay to the end when someone you love is dying. (Published 1/28/2014)

In march of this year, I learned that my dad had lung cancer. I was devastated and I took time off from school to go support him and go to his appointments, etc. He went through radiation and was scheduled for chemo. By the time we got to his chemo appointment, he was too weak to even walk. When he arrived for his chemo appointment, he was already in a wheelchair. The Dr said that it was too late and left the room to call hospice. I wasn't there for this appointment, but I had arrived in town that day. (I was doing 3 days at home and 3 days in his town pretty much) His mother gave me the news. I went over to my dad's house and I crawled in his bed. And I promised him that I was in it for the long haul. And that I wouldn't leave until it was over. For the first few days after that, he was pretty normal, then suddenly he changed. I saw him exhibiting the signs of a dying person (picking at his sheets, not really being in 'reality'.) It was all downhill after that. His mother and I were doing 12 hour shifts to give him his medications to keep him comfortable. And I got scared. I saw him dying. I promised him that I wouldn't leave him until it was over, but I had to. I left him on a Wednesday. My aunt called on Friday and told me that things had changed and to come ASAP to say goodbye. When I got there I was so afraid at what I saw. He was in a hospital bed (at home), wearing nothing but a diaper, and gripping the bed rail. I laid down next to him and told him how much he meant to me. But I was still so scared. I spent 20 minutes with him and I left the room and told my boyfriend to take me home now. I was done. I was so scared to see him die that I left him. He died on father's day. I feel extremely guilty for leaving him. I’d just like to know if it's normal for someone to flee right before a loved one dies. I promised him, but I just couldn't do it. Thank you.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Brooke,

Thanks for your note and question.

There are no statistics that we’re aware of that would indicate how many or what percentage of people faced with the imminent death of someone important to them, are able to stay until the death occurs.

But, in our experience, having talked with many thousands of grievers, we can tell you that it happens a lot—therefore we would consider it well within the range of “normal.”

We can also tell you that two factors seem to be involved that dictate whether that might happen. One is the nature of the relationship you have with the dying person. If the relationship was good, positive, and you felt close to them, then it can be very difficult to see that person die. The second factor is described so well—and painfully—when you give the image of your dad in just a diaper. That is a very difficult image for anybody, and an especially difficult one for a daughter of her father.

There is a third element too. That is that most of must in modern times here in America, do not interact with death and dead bodies on any regular basis. Many people have never seen or touched a dead body—either one of their relatives or anyone else.

While the images you carry forward of your dad in those days just before he died are powerful and probably painful to recall, we think you must also recall your loving concern for him. For us, that is clear because on two separate occasions in your note, you crawled into bed with him. We can’t imagine anything more loving.

We can also suggest that with whatever awareness he had, he knew you were there loving and caring for him. We hope you can carry that image an idea forward with you in your life.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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It's sometimes difficult to stay to the end when someone you love is dying. (Published 1/28/2014)

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