A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anonymous,

While the “tragedy” aspect or your father’s death may be dominating your heart and mind, the bottom-line truth may be that your heart would be equally broken had he died in a different—and perhaps more natural—way. Over the years we’ve seen people get so caught up in “how” the death happened that they sometimes lose sight of the fact that the death itself is what has broken their heart.

The other thing from your note that I want to address is your comment – “ I don't want anyone to talk about him because it makes me sad.” Sad is the normal, healthy emotional reaction to grief, and rather than moving away from it, you should move towards it. Rather than rob yourself, and your daughter, of the natural emotions of grief, share them. You might be surprised that in talking and crying openly you might find the pain diminishing and memories of him and your relationships with him become easier and more heartwarming to talk about.

As to your having a hard time accepting his death and the feelings that it’s a dream:

Those are also very common feelings and thoughts and represent your broken heart that misses him so much. It also is not an uncommon reaction when there has been a tragic event, which usually implies a “sudden death,” which is very hard for us to accommodate.

Our groups are Grief Recovery action groups, rather than support groups. Send me an email with your area code and zip code, and I’ll see if we have any of our Certified Grief Recovery Specialists in your community.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell Friedman And John W. James