A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

Of course, we can’t comment on whether or not your feelings are “typical behavior of a woman in her 50s.” We don’t think anyone could legitimately say that is or isn’t a fact.

We can say that what you describe – about your diminished feelings of worth; the absence of meaning in your life; your reduced ambition; your inability to get out of the house; and to perceive your life as an endless struggle – are all very common to grieving people who are stuck in grief for years, often decades or more. 

It isn’t so much the grief that paralyzes us and takes away our normal energy and verve for life, it is the absence of awareness about recovery from or completion of the pain caused by the loss or losses that have affected our life.

Most people don’t even know that recovery is possible, much less how to go about it.

And they don’t know that grief recovery – which is the actions of completing what was left emotionally unfinished for us when someone meaningful to us dies –does not rob them of fond memories, but it also doesn’t mean they can’t be sad and miss the person who died. It is only human to have feelings about people whom we love and miss. 

The pain and paralysis can be lifted as a result of taking the actions of grief recovery.

Here is a truthful statement: “Unresolved grief drains energy and robs choice.” That is something we talk about all the time, and when we read your note, we immediately thought that quote defines a great deal of what you wrote.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. As you do, you will find your energy and will to participate in life returning. Yes, you will still miss your son and be sad he’s not here, but you can still have a life of meaning and value.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John