A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kimberly,

Thanks for your note.

Let’s start with the word “guilt,” since you mentioned it in your opening paragraph. Guilt implies intent to harm, and we can’t find any intent on your part to harm your ex. Not to mention that your sense, after you’d talked to him, was that he was all right. We think you feel bad enough about his death that you don’t have to pile the incorrect word guilt on top of it and make it worse than it already is for you.

We're not surprised at the amount of emotion you have about his death. After all, divorce is about relationships that don’t make it all the way to that happy sunset, that goes on until we’re both in our 90’s. That means that there’s usually a great deal of unresolved or unfinished business, which is what causes the divorce in the first place. When someone we used to be married to dies, we often experience a re-remembering of the entire relationship, the good, the bad, and sometimes, the ugly. And for you, the divorce, and now the death are compounded by the fact that he was your daughter’s father and she will always be a reminder to you about him.

As to the issue of the phone ringing, etc.: As we go about our daily lives and get caught up in the day-to-day activities, we sometimes appear to forget about someone who has recently died—and six months is still relatively recent. When that happens, we usually get jolted back to reality one way or another. And at that point, some of the build-up of emotion about them will surface again. That is totally normal and to be expected.

About imagining him as sad and depressed: Of course those are logical thoughts for you to have and to wonder about. Unfortunately there are no answers or solutions to what might have been, but hopefully it will help you to know that it’s a normal and natural thing, and that it happens for an awful lot of people who are reacting to someone’s suicide.

About your daughter and her future: We can’t predict what will happen as she gets a little older, and starts to realize exactly what it all means. At this point, she may not quite grasp the permanence of death, which is why she may not seem scared and how she can easily say the things she does about her dad being in Heaven.

Your concern for her well-being is exactly as it should be. To support that, we suggest that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of our book, When Children Grieve. It will help you guide her as her life unfolds, and especially in relationship to the absence of her father. It will also help guide you to taking care of your own grief, because as your child’s parent, she will be copying what you do and learning from you.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John