Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - In condolences, be careful NOT to say "I Know How You Feel" (Published 3-13-12)

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In condolences, be careful NOT to say "I Know How You Feel" (Published 3-13-12)

Good Morning John & Russell,

I am a devoted Christian Woman and I have just barely begun (3 weeks), a relationship with a Sweet, Beautiful Christian man and within the last three weeks his Mother returned to the hospital with the return of cancer throughout her body. After five days of being in the hospital in ICU she lost her life and returned Home to be with the Lord in Heaven.

During the time this man's Mother was in the hospital and since I have let him know through Bible Scripture and brief personal sentiments, that I am deeply sorry for his great loss and that I am praying for him and his family via email, texting and phone conversations.

Question: Is it appropriate to mail a sympathy
card to him?

What else can I do to be supportive
to him during this time? I too,
know what it is like to lose a
parent, I lost my Wonderful Father
almost six years ago?

I appreciate your answers and feedback to my questions. You see, I feel maybe this could be the man I have been praying to the Lord for to come into my life and be a future mate.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and questions.

It is perfectly acceptable for you to send or present a sympathy card to the gentleman you’ve been seeing. We can’t be sure from your note, but we guess that you didn’t really know his mother. With that in mind, one note of caution. If you write a personal note inside the card, the note should be about him and what he’s experiencing, not about his mom, because you didn’t know her.

As to being supportive: when you do talk with him or communicate via email or text, take on the image of being a “heart with ears.” It will help you listen and hear what he is saying about how he feels.

Also, even though you had a parent die not all that long ago, be careful not to say “I know how you feel.” It is more effective to say, “I don’t know how you feel, but based on my own experience, I can relate to what you’re going through.”

We hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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In condolences, be careful NOT to say "I Know How You Feel" (Published 3-13-12)

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