A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kelley,

Thanks for your note and though you didn’t ask a question, we sense you’re looking for some guidance.

We are not surprised at your devastation.

Unresolved grief is about undelivered communications of an emotional nature that accrue in all relationships, but are especially plentiful in the aftermath of a divorce.

And divorce, by definition, is the ultimate statement of unfinished emotional business because one of the near-absolutes about divorce is that the hopes, dreams, and expectations of making it to that happy sunset 60 or 70 years later, don’t happen.

Many people are surprised to discover that the death of their former spouse affects them so much, but as we said, we’re not surprised.

And unfortunately, we are also not surprised to hear that your in-laws don’t welcome you. That happens way more often than you might think. And of course the children—regardless of age—are the collateral victims.

All that said, run, don’t walk, to the nearest library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. When it comes time in the book to choose which relationship you’ll work on first, we have a hunch you should start with your mom. Just a hunch. After that you might do dad, and then your spouse who died earlier this year. And then finally, your in-laws, one at a time.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John