A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Dee,

Thanks for your note and question.

We wish we could tell you that we’ve never heard a story like yours, but sadly, we have. It’s all too common.

Of course we know that saying that doesn’t make you feel any better, but sometimes just knowing that you’re not the only one to suffer this can be helpful.

What confuses us a little is this question: In those times when you were alone with your father, did you ever talk to him about the degree of difficulty you had with your stepmother? And if so, did he ever seem willing to do anything to help heal that breach?

We ask that in order to help you see that while part of your grief is wrapped up in what sounds like a really awful relationship with your stepmother, that some of it has to relate to your dad, and the possibility that he was unwilling or unable to see the reality of what was going on between you and her, and that he did nothing to help.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. At a given point, you’ll have to decide which of your major life relationships you will want to work on first. You might want to consider doing the work about your dad first, as it might help you have a clearer picture of what and why things happened with your step-mother. And we don’t know where your birth mother comes to play in the relationships that have affected your life, but we’d have to guess that she played a huge part in your early life. Assuming that to be true, we’d suggest that you might work on your relationship with her first, and then your father.

Bottom line, no matter who you work on first, you’ve got some work to do.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John