A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Darline,

Thanks for your note, and yes, we know that it can be really difficult to deal with those recurring images.

So much so, that years ago we wrote about it and it has become an extremely important aspect of our work. We have found that when people are stuck on those images, they have a hard time doing the work of Grief Recovery which will help them adapt to their changed lives after someone important to them dies.

We don’t know if in looking through our Question and Answer section on Tributes.com, you came across one of our responses titled, “Stuck On A Painful Image.”

If not, we've pasted it in for you, below our signature. First is a little preamble, and then the actual section from the book.

We hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

The issue of a recurring, painful last image or images of someone important to us who has died, is sadly common for many grieving people. Whether the image pops up during sleep, in dreams or nightmares; or awake, as the result of any number of reminders of the person who died, they can be tremendously upsetting. In addition to the pain they cause, those images often make us afraid to think about and remember the person we loved, because it seems as if the only thing we can think of is that last terrible image. Another aspect of the image problem, is that for many people, the only image they are remembering is that last horrible one at the end of their person’s life, and the thousands of other images we have from a lifetime with that person seem to go out of focus or even disappear. As you probably already know, any attempt to try “not to think about it,” doesn’t work. The fact is some of those last images are really powerful and in a manner of speaking, it seems as if they are burned into your brain. Over the years, to help people whose lives were dominated and limited by those kinds of images, we developed a way to help them have the painful images recede into the background, and take their place within the entire relationship with the person who died, and not be the only images they remember. On pages 157 and 158 of The Grief Recovery Handbook is a heading titled, “Stuck On a Painful Image.” We have reprinted it for you below so you can get immediate benefit from the guidance it contains. In the meantime, we also suggest you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook and read it and take the all actions it suggests. “Stuck On a Painful Image.” From pages 157/158 of The Grief Recovery Handbook [Copyright - © -1998, John W. James, Russell Friedman, Harper Collins Publishers] One of the most painful of all experiences is to have a loved one die violently. You may have seen the accident or the aftermath. You may have seen photos of the scene. Or you may only have the pictures your imagination has conjured up. In any event, for many people, the imagery seems constant, as if it will never cease. Some of you may have equally disturbing images of your loved one's final hours, days, or weeks as they struggled through a terminal illness. The devastating nature of some diseases often alters appearance so much, that you hardly recognize someone you have known your entire life. Most people, in trying to help a friend, will tell them not to think about it. That is very nearly impossible. We think it is more helpful to acknowledge that the images and pictures are indeed horrible and painful. We also believe that the griever needs to be gently reminded that they have many thousands of other images as well. We do not all get to go "gently into that good night," as poetry would have it. A woman tells us of her husband's final night at the hospital, with vivid details. Our response is, "What a horrible final picture that is for you." Then we ask, "Do you remember the first time you saw the man who became your husband?" She says yes, and we say, "Tell us what he looked like that day." And she does. We all have tens of thousands of images of our loved ones. Some of the images are wonderful and happy. Some are negative and sad. And sometimes the final ones are very painful, as when violence or disease have altered how someone looked. It is unrealistic to tell someone not to remember what they saw or imagined. By acknowledging the discomfort of the final, unpleasant pictures, we allow the remembering of all the other pictures. Each time the ending pictures crop up, they must be acknowledged.

Acknowledging the painful pictures and remembering others does not deny or minimize the painful ones. When grievers are allowed and encouraged to state what they are experiencing, the painful pictures subside more quickly. This leaves more room for the review of the entire relationship, not just the ending. [Copyright - © -1998, John W. James, Russell Friedman, Harper Collins Publishers]