A Grief Expert Replies:

.Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note.

Powerfully painful stuff.

There are many aspects to your note, but the one that sticks out the most, making guidance difficult, is your husband’s drinking, which effectively eliminates any meaningful communication about his feelings.

And, no matter how much you care about him, you can’t fix him; nor can you help him deal more directly with his grief.

We do understand how he may have applied the idea of “guilt” to her death since the genetic predisposition to the diabetes is on his side of the family. But to hold yourself responsible for a condition over which you have no control is neither helpful nor healthy.

The hardest part for you is knowing that whatever you say or do, no matter how much you may love him, he will have to become willing to take some action to start to repair his broken heart.

The only thing we can suggest is that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, which is available in many libraries and most bookstores.

Start reading it and make sure you leave it around in plain view.

While we know that the content of the book will be valuable to you, our hope is that your husband will notice it and perhaps pick it up and start reading it.

We wish we could offer you a more active solution, but as you know, when someone doesn’t want to talk about something, you can’t make them.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John