Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - You don't have to shed tears to prove that you're sad. (Published 5/6/2014)

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You don't have to shed tears to prove that you're sad. (Published 5/6/2014)

My husband died eight months ago. I feel guilty because in the last five months of his life he was on life support. I feel that I let him down by not removing him from the machines that he never wanted to be on, but he had no living will and his mom was totally against letting him go. I feel like he blames me as much as I blame myself. We were married 16 yrs and after he died, all I could think was that at least he wasn't suffering any longer. I didn't really cry and I think something’s wrong because he was my soul mate and I miss him everyday. Please let me know if what I feel is normal. I also want you to know that he was a fighter. He had 3 kidney transplants and was in and out of the hospital all his life; never did he let it get him down! He was always happy. I really miss my best friend and husband.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Lori,

Thanks for your note and concerns.

As you learned—the hard way—there are times when we have no power to influence events even when we know what would be the right thing to do. Blaming yourself for not being able to override his mother does nothing to help you emotionally. In fact, it can distract you from your primary task of dealing with your broken heart.

As to the fact that you “didn’t really cry”: Since we don’t know if you normally cry when sad things happen, we can’t comment on that part, except to say that crying is not the only way we indicate our sadness. In that same sentence you also said, “…I miss him every day.” There’s nothing more emotional than missing someone you love, whether or not you shed tears. We believe that you are very sad and don’t need tears to prove it.

Yes, it it totally normal and natural to miss your best friend, your husband, your soul mate.

But it is also normal and healthy to learn how to become emotionally complete with a devastating loss. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you will feel a shift, and you will be able to remember the whole relationship, not just the ending.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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You don't have to shed tears to prove that you're sad. (Published 5/6/2014)

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