A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Paula,

Thanks for your note and your concern for your sister.

We have a sense that you have a strong connection to God, and at the same time, that your sister’s connection has been damaged by the two deaths.

You may have noticed that with her anger, your sister may not be receptive to ideas related to God or prayer.

We train a lot of clergy in how to help grievers and most of them have struggled with a parallel issue. When they offer to pray with someone who has experienced a breech of faith because of a death[s], they need to learn different tools to help their parishioners.

The same may be true for you.

What you have to understand is that when our hearts are broken, our heads don’t always work right, and our religious and spiritual beliefs also may not work for us.

The broken heart dominates and must be addressed first.

We recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read the first 58 pages [Part One] and then you can give a copy of it to your sister. When you give it you’ll be able to say, “Here’s a book that I found helpful, and I thought you might benefit from it also.”

When she reads it and takes the actions it suggests, it will help her become emotionally complete with each of her sons who have died. As a result of that, she’ll probably experience a reduction of her anger towards God and perhaps a renewed sense of trust in her religious beliefs.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John