Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - The news that a former spouse died years ago can feel as raw as if it hapened today. (Published 3/1/2016)

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The news that a former spouse died years ago can feel as raw as if it hapened today. (Published 3/1/2016)

I had been trying to reach my ex-husband for the past couple of years, only to find out that he died three years ago—though I don’t know how he died. I'm choking inside. We were never enemies. I must know, for closure in my heart, how he died, but his family won’t return my calls and they didn’t notify me of his death. He was a wonderful husband while we were together and I loved him dearly. Even though I now know he died three years ago, my wounds feel brand new. Can you help me? (Published 03/01/2016)

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Rebecca,

Thanks for your note.

Obviously we can’t answer your questions about how your ex-husband died.

For that, you’d have to do some research in the records of the city that he lived in, or hire someone to search for you.

As to your emotional response: Many people are surprised to discover how much feeling they have when a former spouse dies. Even without the compounding issues related to his family not returning your calls, and their not notifying you of his death, you would still be having a lot of feelings.

One of the elements of divorce is that no matte how amicable the parting may have been, there’s always grief about the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations we initially had when we fell in love and married and planned out our lives together. The divorce may end the physical connection of the relationship, but it doesn’t complete what was left emotionally unfinished.

Go to a library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. It will help you become more emotionally complete with your ex, and also with his family and what they did and didn’t do over the last few years.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

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The news that a former spouse died years ago can feel as raw as if it hapened today. (Published 3/1/2016)

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