A Grief Expert Replies:

(Dear Anon,

Sadly, your note and questions represent something very common for many grievers.

It’s heartbreaking that the person with the broken heart has to try to take care of the very people who should be more conscious, aware, and helpful to them.

The most important thing in the situation is to find at least a few people you can trust, so that when you want and need to talk about what you’re experiencing, you won’t feel judged or criticized.

When the “less than helpful or courteous” ones say things that you find hurtful, the best thing advice is to not bite back at them. You don’t want to waste your energy being distracted from the real feelings of grief that signify your emotional relationship to the person who died.

What I have done in similar personal circumstances, is just to say to anyone or any comment that didn’t sit will with me, “Thank you, I really appreciate your concern.” And then get away from that person.

I also need to remember that even though by profession I am a Grief Recovery Educator, when someone important to me dies, I am a griever, not a teacher.

The best and only real gift I can give you is to say, “I hear you, loud and clear.” And, if you want to send me an email from time to time, I will do my utmost to acknowledge it, and more importantly to acknowledge the feelings you express.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John