Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - "I don't know what to say" is often the best thing to say. (Published 4/28/2015)

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John James, founder of The Grief Recovery Institute

John W. James

Founder of The Grief Recovery Institute^®
Co-Author of The Grief Recovery
Handbook & When Children Grieve

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Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

From our hearts to yours,

John

Learn More About John & the Grief Recovery Institute »

Ask The Grief Experts

"I don't know what to say" is often the best thing to say. (Published 4/28/2015)

My cousin's husband was murdered. She and her husband were a wonderful couple, educated and successful. The killing was brutal. I grew up with my cousin, but as adults we haven’t been close. I don't know what words of comfort I can possibly offer. I cannot get my mind around the senselessness of this loss. I'm hurt for my cousin, and furious at the person who did this with no regard for the devastation he was leaving behind. What can I say to her?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

We can't begin to imagine the depth of your feelings about this diabolical event.

What we have just said may give you some guidance as to what you can say to your cousin. You might say to her: “I can’t begin to imagine what this has been like for you. I don’t have words to express my feelings for you and certainly about your husband. I know we haven’t been very close as adults, but I do recall our childhood together, and my heart goes out to you.”

If you are physically near her, the first thing you’d do is offer a hug, and then say those words if they ring true for you, or something very close to that that represents how you feel.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

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Ask The Grief Experts Archives

Dealing effectively with your grief helps you guide your children in theirs. (Published 12/27/16)
Inaccurate advice, though "well-meaning," can confuse or even hurt grieving people. (Published 12/20/16)
It's normal for dying people — and their caretakers — to get cranky from time to time. (Published 12/13/16)
Sad as it may be, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. (Published 12/06/16)
One of the benefits of grief recovery is remembering the person the way we knew them in life, not only as we knew them in death. (Published 11/29/16)
When going through a loved one's belongings, have a trusted friend with you. (Published 11/22/16)
If you’d known, you would have found a way to visit; nothing would have stopped you. (Published 11/15/16)
Forgiveness is for you, to give you freedom. It is not for the person(s) who hurt you. (Published 11/08/16)
There’s no one universal thing to say or do that will always fit. (Published 11/1/16)
What people show on the outside and what they feel on the inside are often worlds apart.
Punishing yourself for something you didn't cause, and lack the power to undo, is unfair to you. (Published 10/18/16)
Most people don’t even know that recovery from loss is possible, much less how to go about it. (Published 10/11/16)
Other issues are distracting, but your primary task is dealing with your broken heart. (Published 10/4/16)
The attempt to protect children from grief can backfire!
The best way to find out how someone else feels is for you to go first! (Published 09/20/2016)
Sometimes the best way to help someone else is to help yourself. (Published 9/13/2016)
The circumstances of a death — whether by suicide or other causes — can create a temporary or long-term breach of faith. (Published 9/6/2016)
Sometimes unresolved grief can look like competition or comparison.
It's sad when those we love are no longer here. It's even sadder when we don't talk about them.
Many stimuli, conscious or unconscious, can provoke memories that make us sad. (Published 8/16/2016)
It's normal and natural to have sad emotions when looking at pictures and videos. (Published 8/9/16)
Time can’t heal an emotional wound anymore than it can fix a flat tire (Published 8/2/16)
When our parents die, many of our feelings are childlike, no matter how old we are. (Published 7/26/16)
Telling children the truth about suicide of a parent — difficult but essential. (Published 7/19/2016)
Death of a former spouse from whom we’re divorced can be devastating. (Published 7/12/2016)
Remarriages often cause wedges between original family members. (Published 7/5/2016)
It's dangerous to compare our insides to other people's outsides. (Published 6/28/2016)
It's not helpful to blame ourselves for the decisions others make. (Published 6/21/2016)
The death of a younger sibling can be very painful for those of us who helped raise them. (Published 6/7/2016)
We don’t want to “get over” our emotional relationships with people or animals; that would mean forgetting them. (Published 5/31/2016)
It's not uncommon for grieving parents to struggle with pain and jealousy when they see children at family events. (Published 5/24/2016)
You may regret the decision NOT to attend a memorial more than the sad feelings you might have if you attend. (Published 5/17/2016)
It's heartbreaking, but grandparents are often legally kept from seeing their grandkids. (Published 5/11/2016)
There's a world of difference between grief and grief recovery. (Published 5/3/2016)
Memorials and shrines are excellent reminders of people we love, but they do not necessarily facilitate recovery.
You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.
We must grieve and complete each relationship so that fond memories do not turn painful on us. (Published 4/19/2016)
It's difficult to make crucial medical decisions when your emotions are up in the air. (Published 4/12/2016)
New relationship doesn't have that "I can't live without you" feeling. (Published 4/5/2016)
Finally found dad, only to have him torn away by a gory accident. (Published 3/29/2016)
The divorce or break-up ends the day-to-day physical relationship, but doesn't complete the emotional attachment. (Published 3/22/2016)
Opening the emotional door to all memories, not just the painful ones. (Published 3/15/2016)
The difficult task of letting your Alzheimer's affected family member or friend be who they are not who they used to be. (Published 3/8/2016)
The news that a former spouse died years ago can feel as raw as if it hapened today. (Published 3/1/2016)
When someone from our romantic past dies it can unearth unfinished emotions, or unresolved grief. (Published 02/23/2016)
Adapting to the painful, unwanted reality of the death of somone meaningful to you isn't easy or painless. (Published 2/16/2016)
It's best to deal with your emotions first to help you to deal with memorabilia. (Published 2/9/2016)
We need a permanent, re-locatable place to visit to remember important people in our lives who have died. (Published 2/2/2016)
It's not always possible to get back into the inner circle, but you can still deal with your broken heart. (Published 01/26/2016)
The right tools are the pathway to recovery from grief. (Published 01/19/2016)
Moving forward even when you feel stuck. (Published 1/12/2016)
An awful lot of people would just as soon leap over the holiday months - too many remidners of people who are gone. (Published 1/5/2016)
Your feelings are unique to you. Don't compare them with what it "looks" like others are feeling. (Published 12/29/2015)
Grief can feel worse when insensitive language is used. (Published 12/22/2015)
When we don't know how to deal with our grief, we wait for time to heal us, but it only gets worse. (Published 12/15/2015)
Grief is not a "process." It is a collection of memories and feelings about your relationship with the person who died. (Published 12/8/2015)
How to shift from constant painful feelings to a more comprehensive emotional view of the whole relationship. (Published 12/1/2015)
The feelings attached to a broken heart don't just roll off your back. (Published 11/24/2015)
Fear is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss. As in: How will I go on without that person? (Published 11/17/2015)
It’s okay to talk about things that weren’t always happy or pleasant. Be truthful but not mean-spirited. (Published 11/11/2015)
Nothing wrong with dreaming about someone you miss. (Published 11/3/2015)
It's not just knowing what to do, you have to do it! (Published 10/27/2015)
Grief without recovery can be never-ending! (Published 10/20/2015)
Widows and widowers sometimes get trapped in the idea that they're "cheating" when they enter new relationships. (Published 10/13/2015)
There are always things we wish had been different, better, or more, especially at the end of the life of someone important to us. (Published 10/6/2015)
Whether or not the perpetrator is ever caught and punished, you must get yourself out of your emotional jail. (Poblishec 09/29/2015)
Sometimes our well-intended advice backfires—especially when it wasn’t requested. (Published 9/22/2015)
It's difficult to define normal as it relates to grief, but if you're troubled by your thoughts and feelings, get help. (Published 9/15/2015)
When our parent[s] dies when we are very young, we're left with constant wondering of how it might have been. (Published 9/8/2015)
Raw emotions of grief are painful, especially in reaction to an unexpected death by suicide. (Published 9/1/2015)
How to help very young children who don't understand the permanence of death. (Published 8/25/2015)
The key to recovery is willingness. You can only set an example, you can't do it for them. (Published 8/18/2015)
Acceptance is a by-product of taking the actions of Grief Recovery. (Published 8/11/2015)
Sometimes our tears help our heart and body deal with the emotional pain of loss. (Published 8/4/2015)
We are often robbed of one more or one last chance to say "goodbye." (Published 7/28/2015)
Happily reunited after a long estrangement, only to lose her to a post-surgery death. (Published 7/21/2015)
When your heart is broken, it can be difficult to access your religious or spiritual beliefs. (Published 7/15/2015)
We sometimes think the harsh words we said in an argument caused someone to die. It's not true. (Published 7/7/2015)
Traumatic events leave painful images and keep us from our primary grief about the person who died. (Published 6/30/2015)
Alcohol and drugs only cover up the pain, they don't lead you to feeling better after a loss. (Published 6/23/2015)
Misguided hurtful comments can keep us from our primary grief. (Published 6/16/2015)
when my dad died, I lost my biggest cheerleader. (Published 6/9/2015)
How to help your broken heart heal. (Published 6/2/2105)
When it's hard to believe that someone you love is gone. (Published 5/26/2015)
We often lie about our feelings because we think we might be judged for having them. (Published 5/19/2015)
Many people stay stuck in grieving and don't move towards grief recovery. (Published 5/12/2015)
Dealing with the absence of a final communication when there has been a sudden death. (Published 05/05/2015)
"I don't know what to say" is often the best thing to say. (Published 4/28/2015)
"Reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to discover when I need him one more time, he’s no longer there.” (Published 4/21/2015)
The absence of important people in our lives is difficult at the best of times, but at difficult times, we miss them exponentially. (Published 4/14/2015)
I have regrets thinking about removing life support - maybe there would have been a miracle. (Published 4/7/2015)
Time alone, without correct actions, cannot fix a broken heart. (Published 3/31/2015)
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide - from birthdays, holidays, and other reminders. (Published 3/24/2015)
Bogged down in emotional quicksand from one death after another. (Published 3/17/2015)
Please don't avoid grieving friends - grief isn’t contagious! (Published 3/10/2015)
Impossible to explain "why." (Published 3/3/2015)
What to keep and what to discard? Difficult decisions—but take actions of recovery first, then make those choices. (Published 2/24/2015)
We all grieve in our own way and pace; but many of us are missing the actions that will help us "complete" our grief. (Published 2/17/2015)
Older sister concerned that younger sister won't have dad to walk her down aisle. (Published 2/10/2015)
It's important to focus on the primary grief about the person who died, not on the surrounding circumstances. (Published 2/3/2015)
Emotions of grief sometimes appear to conflict with religious beliefs. Grief recovery actions can help our spiritual connections. (Published 1/27/2015)
The Most Frequent Question we get is: "When will this pain end?" (Published 1/20/2015)
Incomplete past romantic relationships can sabotage current marriages. (Published 1/13/2015)
The cause of death can add a paniful dimension to the loss. (Published 1/6/2015)
The best way to help others is to help yourself. When they see you doing better, they will want to know how you did that. (Published 12/30/2014)
The ongoing pain from not having had a chance to say goodbye. (Published 12/23/2014)
The powerful images we can conjure up in our minds about things we’ve read or heard, are nothing short of terrifying. (Published 12/16/2014)
When you are the griever, you are not an educator. Don’t let anyone distract you from your primary task of dealing with your loss. (Published 12/9/2014)
In the immediate aftermath of the death of someone important to us, it feels impossible to do anything more than make it through one more day. (Published 12/2/2014)
You need to do the work on yourself so you can tell the children about their dad who they won't remember. (Publisheed 11/25/2014)
Recovery is possible even when the cause of death is unknown. (Published 11/18/2014)
Whatever you don’t talk about stays trapped inside of you, and can only do you harm—it can’t help. (Published 11/11/2014)
Sometimes the word “overwhelming” is too small a word to describe what grievers go through with multiple losses in a short time. (Published 11/4/2014)
Sometimes grief feels like a long-term, low-grade infection, and time doesn't make it go away. (Published 10/28/2014)
YES, it's normal to feel sad and miss someone on holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions. (Published 10/21/2014)
When your hopes and dreams for the future get ripped away. (Published 10/14/2014)
We never compare losses—ever! All losses are experienced at 100%. Every relationship is unique, there are no exceptions. (Published 10/7/2014)
Guilt implies intent to harm and rarely is accurate to descibe the feelings of most grieving people. (Published 9/30/2014)
Death of a long-term spouse can feel like losing a piece of your body. (Published 09/23/2014)
The death of someone important to us robs the possiblity of repairing damaged relationships, but we can still become emotionally complete. (Published 9/16/2014)
The ending of a very short relationship can be totally devastating. (Published 9/9/2014)
Asking sad questions over and over without taking recovery actions, can be an endless, painful loop. (Published 9/2/2014)
When your heart is broken your head doesn't work right and your spirit can't soar. (Published 8/26/2014)
You can be strong or you can be human. Pick one! (Published 8/19/2014)
You can't help people who don't want or ask for help. You can only help yoursellf, and hope they see the changes in you. (Published 8/12/2014)
'Monkey See, Monkey Do' can send the wrong signals about grief. (Published 8/5/2014)
The good news and bad news are equal—it's normal and natural to love somone and hate some of the things they've done. (Published 7/29/2014)
Letting go implies forgetting, and you'll never forget the important people in your life. (Published 7/22/2014)
Often the person you most need to talk to about your sadness, is the person who's gone. (Published 7/15/2014)
Since the nature of marriage is very different from relationships between parents and children, the emotional intensity is differently powerful. (Published 7/8/2014)
There's no time limit on how long you display pictures of someone who died, and there's no limit to keeping other possessions. (Published 7/1/2014)
One of the best things you can do is have "normal" conversations, rather than make forced attempts to say something profound. (Published 6/24/2014)
Time is not an action, it can’t make you feel better. (Published 6/24/2014)
The idea of denial and grief is a false connection. (Published 6/17/2014)
Unresolved grief is about all the things we wish we had said or done differently, better, or more. (Published 6/10/2014)
Not feeling ready to let go of his possessions. (Published 6/3/2014)
The first key to recovery is reaching out and asking for help. (Published 5/27/2014)
Someone with parallel losses can't necessarily help you because all relationships are unique. (Published 5/20/2014)
The truth is we are NEVER ready for anyone we love to die. (Published 5/13/2014)
You don't have to shed tears to prove that you're sad. (Published 5/6/2014)
It is possible to regain a sense of security and well-being after a "constant" person in our life has died. (Published 4/28/2014)
The actions of recovery are different from just distracting yourself by burying yourself in work. (Published 4/22/2014)
You can’t go over, under, or around it, you have to go through it. (Published 4/15/2014)
The anguish of missing someone you never really knew. (Published 4/8/2014)
It's never hepful to compare an intellectual fact with the normal and natural emotional reaction to a death. (Published 4/1/2014)
Discovery doesn’t equal recovery. Realizing how we sabotaged our marriages doesn’t bring our former partners back to us. (Published 3/25/2014)
“Getting past” and “getting over” imply forgetting. You will never forget the important people who affected your life. (Published 3/18/2014)
Sometimes the poetry of a phrase is powerful, but the implied solution cannot be taken literally. (Published 3/11/2014)
Helping youself with your grief is sometimes the best way to help someone you care about. Lead by example. (Published 3/4/2014)
It's important to honor our own instincts and not pay too much attention to what others might think. (Published 2/25/2014)
Time doesn't heal, but adapting to life without someone you love must be accommodated within time. (Published 2/18/2014)
“Is this what my life will be forever?” (Published 2/11/2014)
People with parallel losses don't really know how you feel. (Published 2/4/2014)
It's sometimes difficult to stay to the end when someone you love is dying. (Published 1/28/2014)
A great testament is to have emotions, not hide them. (Published 1/21/2014)
When you are distracted from your pirmary grief about the person who died. (Published 1/14/2014)
Unique question about how we refer to someone who has died. (Published 1/7/2014)
Grievers want to see their loved ones and say "I love you", one more time. (Published 12/31/2013)
Not informed about her mother's death until six monght later, she struggles to feel complete. (Published 12/24/2013)
Grieving people need and want an opportunity to talk about ‘what happened’ and about their relationship with the person it happened to. (Published 12/17/2013)
The death of someone important to you creates a large pool of emotion; and when you add a second major death, the emotional equation goes up exponentially. (Published 12/10/13)
To feel sad when someone important to us dies makes sense—so our best guidance to you is not to fight the sadness, but allow it. (Published 12/3/13)
In order to take joy from your happy memories you must also be able to feel the pain and sadness of the loss. (Published 11/26/2013)
Time doesn't heal emotional wounds, but we must adapt to our losses within time. (Published 11/19/13)
If someone doesn’t want help, there’s not much you can do to force them. But there are some things you can do that might help them be willing to try. (Published 11/12/13)
How do get closure when you're barred from the funeral of someone you love? (Published 11/5/2013)
Dealing with not being notified and not being able to attend the funeral or memorial. (Published 10/29/2013)
The good news is that as you take Grief Recovery actions, you'll find your energy coming back. (Published 10/22/2013)
She was robbed of saying "goodbye" (Published 10/15/2013)
By pulling away, you get a double dose of the pain when they die. (Published 10/8/2013)
So many people ask, "What more could I have done?" (Published 10/1/2013)
It’s not uncommon for people to turn to drink or drugs to try to deal with their overwhelming feelings when affected by a death. (Published 9/24/2013)
Keeping Busy doesn't heal your broken heart! (Published 9/17/2013)
We were supposed to grow old together. (Published 9/10/2013)
Intervention doesn't work with grief recovery, but there are ways to reach out. (Published 9/3/2013)
Dying people sometimes exclude the people they love! (Published 8/27/2013)
Missing a long-term mate is very difficult. Where do you go with the feelings you used to share? (Published 8/20/2013)
It's overwhelming when we're sad about the death of someone important to us, and afraid of another loss. (Published 8/13/2103)
Yes, your life is different after important people die, but you can take actions to help yourself. (Published 8/6/2013)
A Broken Heart Is Not Attached To A Clock Or A Timer That Tells It When To Stop Hurting. (Published 7/30/2013)
When You Look In The Rear-View Mirror Of Your Life And All You See Is The Litany Of Losses Of The Past Few Years. (Published 7/23/2013)
Your Relationship With Him Was About How He Lived His Life AND About How He Died (Published 7/16/2013)
We Get To Remember—And Laugh And Cry, And That Way Keep The Memories As Strong As Possible (Published 7/9/2013)
Good News: It's Impossible For You To Forget Your Boyfriend Who Died, And Impossible To “Lose” The Fond Memories Of Your Relationship With Him (Published 7/2/2013)
Regaining The Ability To Function Effectively Even Though He Is No Longer Here (Published 6/25/2013)
It’s Never Selfish To Need And Want Someone To Be There In Your Life (Published June 18, 2013)
What Matters Most Is Not What Others Believe About You—It’s What You Are Feeling That May Be Keeping You Stuck. (Published 6/11/2013)
Time Is Not The Key Factor In When A Person Should Start Dating After The Death Of A Spouse (Published 6/4/2013)
How can I be so angry with a man who was so wonderful when he was here? (Published 5/28/2013)
Tumultuous relationships usually leave a large residue of unfinished emotional business (Published May 21, 2013)
Trying to put together a puzzle with very few pieces (Published 5/14/2013)
When a new loss is imposed on children in order to save their lives (Published 5/7/13)
How can I be happy and sad at the same time? (Published 4/30/2013)
The Pain of Grief Doesn't Have to Be A Permanent Companion
Sometimes the best way to help someone you love, is to help yourself. (Published 4/16/2013)
A broken heart is sometimes about what never got to happen. (Published 4/9/2013)
We were never close, like a mother and daughter should be. (Published 4/2/2013)
When someone we used to be married to dies, we often experience a re-remembering of the entire relationship, the good, the bad, and sometimes, the ugly. (Published 3/26/2013)
We don't believe there's any such thing as "complicated grief." But there is unattended grief that doesn't get better because time can't heal emotional wounds. (Published 3/19/2013)
Adult or child, “In a crisis we go back to old behaviors or old beliefs." Nine year-old reverts to childlike behavior when dad dies. (Published 3/12/2013)
Sadly, it's all too common that we're confronted with family, financial, and property issues that distract us from the real issue—our broken hearts. (Published 3/5/2013)
We don’t like being dishonest about feelings, it doesn’t help anyone. (Published 2/26/2013)
We have hope for you because in spite of your obvious pain and pessimistic view of the future, you have nonetheless reached out for help. (Published 2/19/2013)
To be your son's leader, you need to learn how to deal effectively with your own losses! (Published 2/12/2013)
Our emotions go to high-alert when we're about to have surgery! (Published 2/5/2013)
What can I do to help myself move on so I can be a happy wife and mother? (Published 1/29/2013)
You don’t have the power to make an alcoholic stop drinking, and all the love in the word can’t repair someone else’s mental health. (Published 1/22/2013)
I can't take losing another person in my life. (Published 1/15/2013)
I still cry every time I think of him. Could I have PTSD? (Published 1/8/2013)
Do recurring dreams about someone who died represent unresolved grief? (Published 1/1/2013)
After my great aunt died, I felt like I hadn't seen her enough, but she lived far away so we never had the money to go see her. (Published 12/25/2012)
Before he died, my husband said I should find someone to take care of me. He did not give me a time frame. I just wanted him to get better. (Published 12/18/2012)
I wasn't raised with my mom, but I did get to spend some time with her after I got out of foster homes. I still feel like there is something missing in my heart. (Published 12/11/2012)
How do I deal with losing them when there was still so much unsaid? (Published 12/4/2012)
Having emotions—including tears—when you look at his picture is not “breaking down.” It is being human and sad and missing someone you love. (Published 11/27/2012)
It's been a year and a half since my wife died and I don't want to face the Holidays. (Published 11/20/2012)
Is Someone Who Cares Reading This? (Published 11/13/2012)
If you stay focused on this one thing—no matter how big it is to you—you rob yourself of the richness and complexity of the whole relationship over three decades. (Published 11/6/2012)
This is the first Mother's Day that I don't have her. Why is it so hard and painful for me? (Published 10/30/2012)
The actions of completion will not be “letting go” of and losing your friends, instead they will allow you to retain all the fond memories you have of them. (Published 10/23/2012)
"Grief is not so much a disease to be cured, as it is a natural reaction to loss, and the goal should be reconciliation and completion, not avoidance." (Published 10/16/2012)
You can be strong, or you can be human, pick one! (Published 10/9/2012)
At six weeks after the death of your spouse, we wouldn't consider your feelings of sadness to be self-absorption. (Published 10/2/2012)
When someone important to us dies, that is one of the biggest, most painful changes we ever experience. (Published 9/25/2012)
You have a lifetime of memories about your Mom, we don’t want you to be stuck on the last images. (Published 9/18/2012)
Two helpful phrases when talking to a grieving person. (Published 9/11/2012)
“How can I tell them I love them when they are not here?” (Published 9/4/2012)
Why me? is a pretty logical question in your circumstances, even though there's no real answer. (Published 8/28/2012)
Trying “not” to think about a painful image just doesn’t work. (Published 8/21/2012)
Drugs Overpower A Mother’s Love (Published 8/14/2012)
Families Don't Always Stick Together (Published 8/7/2012)
Make Small And Accurate Comments As Feelings Come Up (Published 7/31/2012)
I’m Scared, And Don’t Want To Do It, But I Will Do It Anyway (Published 7-24-2012)
If You Focus On The Choices You Had to Make Through Your Rear-View Mirror, You Will Only Harm Yourself (Published 7-17-2012)
I Feel I've Lost A Part Of Me (Published 7-10-2012)
There Are Many Death-Related Situations In Which The Human, Emotional Reaction Is To Be Angry At God (Published 7-3-2012)
Better to say, "At this moment, I don't have much energy," than "I'm depressed today." The latter turns a fleeting feeling into a 24 hour condition (Published 6-26-2012).
Many people get robbed of a funeral and the chance to say "goodbye." Published (6-19-2012)
Grieving people sometimes don't ask for help, and if it's offered, they won’t always take advantage of it. (Published 6-12-2012)
Certain areas of a home—particularly a bedroom or bed, are massive reminders of someone who is no longer alive. (Published 6-5-2012)
We’d guess it's your nature and style to be open and emotive with your feelings. If that's true, we say, YAY! (Published 5-29-2012)
Her possessions represent a tangible link to her and your memory of your life with her. (Published 5-22-2012)
“…And I Forgive You So I Can Be Free”—a phrase can save your emotional life. (Published 5-15-2012)
The reduction of pain does not necessarily mean you're emotionally complete with your friend who died. It may only mean that you're adapting to the loss. (Published 5-8-2012)
Don’t analyze, criticize, or judge the griever—and definitely don’t offer unsolicited opinions or advice. (Published 5-1-2012)
Missing people we never really knew (Published 4-24-2012)
Many people get focused on the end of the relationship and lose sight of the whole relationship (Published 4-17-2012)
Unsolicited advice is never well-received (Published 4-10-2012)
Self-protective actions vs. intent to harm someone else (Published 4-3-2012)
It’s very difficult to help someone who does not want or ask for help (Published 3-27-2012)
If we knew it was going to be their last night, we'd move heaven and earth to be there (Published 3-20-2012)
In condolences, be careful NOT to say "I Know How You Feel" (Published 3-13-12)
Will this sickening, awful feeling ever improve? (Published 3-6-12)
Anticipatory Grief is not real—it means thinking that you can know what feeling you will have in the future which is not here yet (Published 2-28-12)
Feeling half-way good, and then plunging down the emotional elevator shaft (Published 2-21-12)
The emotional stimulus of certain songs or chronicling dates – like anniversaries and birthdays (Published 2-14-12)
No matter how devasted you are by grief, you still need to motivate yourself to take actions that lead to recovery (Published 2-7-12)
It hurts as bad as it did when it first happened, but when I think of it I get extremely angry. (Published 1-31-12)
I'm getting tired of propping everyone else up. (Published 1-24-12)
Love or union is the product of Truthful Communication. (Published 1-17-12)
He was not only my father he was my best friend. (Published 1-10-12)
Families are often torn apart when a parent dies. Why? In part because so many different and unique relationships are a recipe for emotional disaster (Published 1-3-12)
On being "Ruled from the Grave" There's truth in that phrase, but Grief Recovery can break the bondage of that tyranny. (Published 12-27-11)
Blaming yourself is of no value, and it keeps you from the actions that lead to recovery. (Published 12-20-11)
Being "Stuck On a Painful Image" keeps us Stuck in the Grief (Published 12-13-11)
Is Guilt the Right Word? Answering a two-pronged question from a hurting young woman. (Published 12-6-11)
An eleven year old's upset reactions to questions about the deaths of her father and granny actually make sense (Published 11-29-11)
Follow-up question on going on after someone dies - being a complete person again (Published 11-22-11)
Many people struggle with their feelings about God following the death of someone important to them (Published 11-15-11)
Explaining death to young children and to a child with special needs (Published 11-8-11)
The problem with talking about how bad you feel is that it makes you good at feeling bad (Published 11-1-11)
It's never too late to apologize (Published 10-25-11)
What can I do other than force myself to cry to make people stop worrying about me? (Published 10-18-11)
No statute of limitations on missing someone and feeling sad – or enjoying fond memories (Published 10-11-11)
The person who is now gone, is the one person you need more than ever (Published 10-4-11)
The impact of the death of a former spouse - often confusing and overwhelming! (Published 9-27-11)
Say "I feel sad in this moment," instead of "I feel sad today." Today is way too long to stay stuck in one feeling. (Published 9-20-11)
Unfortunately I Never Got the Chance to Thank Him for Everything (Published 9-13-11)
Children's Damaged Relationships with Her Husband - Their Father - Creates Collateral Emotional Damage (Published 9-6-11)
Has the Reality of My Loss Set in Yet? (Published 8-30-11)
How Do I Accept the Things I Did? (Published 8-23-11)
My daughter wants to take the plane to heaven to see her grandpa. (Published 8-16-11)
Is it normal for an adult child to feel like this? (Published 8-9-11)
With multiple deaths in a short period of time...just as we start being able to keep our head above the emotional waterline, another wave comes and pushes us under. (Published 8-2-11)
Consumed by the death—or about the relationship—possibly both. (Published 7-26-11)
It's perfectly normal and healthy to miss someone you love. What’s not okay is to live in constant pain. (Published 7-19-11)
Is it always appropriate to go to a funeral? (Published 7-12-11)
Great question—whether or not we “ever really recover” (Published 7-5-11)
But for "one second earlier or one second later," our lives are changed forever. (Published 6-28-11)
When the last interaction between people before one dies, was negative. (Published 6-21-11)
The unanswerable question: How your life might have unfolded had he not committed suicide? (6-14-11)
Your Broken Heart Talking! (Published 6-07-11)
Alcohol can leave a trail of destruction in its wake! (5-31-11)
“How can I tell them I love them when they are not here?” (Published 5-24-11)
They want us looking good, feeling good, and being productive 3-5 days later! (Published 5-17-11)
Trying “not” to think about it doesn’t work. (Published 5-10-11)
Your life IS different than it would have been! (Published 5-03-11)
Caught Between Medical Decisions and a Broken Heart (Published 4/26/11)
How do you solve unresolved issues when the other person is dead? (Published 4/18/11)
Will I ever feel normal again? (Published 4/11/11)
Surprise when a great deal of emotion surfaces a substantial time after the death of someone important. (Published 4/4/11)
Mutilple deaths, one after the other, makes us feel like we're drowning (Published 3/28/11)
Follow-up from Sam: Trite and Inane Remarks, and how to handle them (Published 3/21/11)
Families and Legal Mayhem (Published 3/14/2011)
A Statement of Death is NOT Denial (Published 3/7/2011)
The warm and fuzzies that never happened. (Published 2/28/2011)
Tragic deaths compound our pain. (Published 2/22/2011)
Some feelings represent your Broken Heart Talking. (Published 2/15/2011)
Time and Intensity! (Published 2/8/2011)
Adapting to the death of someone important to you (Published 2/1/2011)
Grief Is Exhausting! (Published 1/25/2011)
A tangled web of losses! (Published 1/18/2011)
The emotional Novocain wears off. (Published 1/11/2010)
Hopes, Dreams, & Expectations (Published 1/4/2011)
The Victim’s families often feel as if “they” are on trial. (Published 12/28/2010)
The Holidays – a perfect time to demonstrate the truth to your children. (Published 12/20/2010)
Sadness and Joy are both normal. Pain is the option we want to remove. (Published 12/20/2010)
I started to call her and then remembered she was gone! (Published 12/20/2010)
Will I Ever Recover? (Published 11/30/2010)
Stuck on a Painful Image (Published 11/20/2010)
Pointing Friends in the Direction of Recovery (Published 11/10/2010)
The Good, The Bad, and Sometimes, The Ugly (Published 11/3/2010)
Have I Gone Crazy? (Published 10/15/2010)
How do I deal with the anger I feel? (Published 10/1/2010)

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Celebrity Obituaries

John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

Ask The Grief Experts

"I don't know what to say" is often the best thing to say. (Published 4/28/2015)

A Grief Expert Replies:

Ask The Grief Experts Archives

Dealing effectively with your grief helps you guide your children in theirs. (Published 12/27/16)

Inaccurate advice, though "well-meaning," can confuse or even hurt grieving people. (Published 12/20/16)

It's normal for dying people — and their caretakers — to get cranky from time to time. (Published 12/13/16)

Sad as it may be, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. (Published 12/06/16)

One of the benefits of grief recovery is remembering the person the way we knew them in life, not only as we knew them in death. (Published 11/29/16)

When going through a loved one's belongings, have a trusted friend with you. (Published 11/22/16)

If you’d known, you would have found a way to visit; nothing would have stopped you. (Published 11/15/16)

Forgiveness is for you, to give you freedom. It is not for the person(s) who hurt you. (Published 11/08/16)

There’s no one universal thing to say or do that will always fit. (Published 11/1/16)

What people show on the outside and what they feel on the inside are often worlds apart.

Punishing yourself for something you didn't cause, and lack the power to undo, is unfair to you. (Published 10/18/16)

Most people don’t even know that recovery from loss is possible, much less how to go about it. (Published 10/11/16)

Other issues are distracting, but your primary task is dealing with your broken heart. (Published 10/4/16)

The attempt to protect children from grief can backfire!

The best way to find out how someone else feels is for you to go first! (Published 09/20/2016)

Sometimes the best way to help someone else is to help yourself. (Published 9/13/2016)

The circumstances of a death — whether by suicide or other causes — can create a temporary or long-term breach of faith. (Published 9/6/2016)

Sometimes unresolved grief can look like competition or comparison.

It's sad when those we love are no longer here. It's even sadder when we don't talk about them.

Many stimuli, conscious or unconscious, can provoke memories that make us sad. (Published 8/16/2016)

It's normal and natural to have sad emotions when looking at pictures and videos. (Published 8/9/16)

Time can’t heal an emotional wound anymore than it can fix a flat tire (Published 8/2/16)

When our parents die, many of our feelings are childlike, no matter how old we are. (Published 7/26/16)

Telling children the truth about suicide of a parent — difficult but essential. (Published 7/19/2016)

Death of a former spouse from whom we’re divorced can be devastating. (Published 7/12/2016)

Remarriages often cause wedges between original family members. (Published 7/5/2016)

It's dangerous to compare our insides to other people's outsides. (Published 6/28/2016)

It's not helpful to blame ourselves for the decisions others make. (Published 6/21/2016)

The death of a younger sibling can be very painful for those of us who helped raise them. (Published 6/7/2016)

We don’t want to “get over” our emotional relationships with people or animals; that would mean forgetting them. (Published 5/31/2016)

It's not uncommon for grieving parents to struggle with pain and jealousy when they see children at family events. (Published 5/24/2016)

You may regret the decision NOT to attend a memorial more than the sad feelings you might have if you attend. (Published 5/17/2016)

It's heartbreaking, but grandparents are often legally kept from seeing their grandkids. (Published 5/11/2016)

There's a world of difference between grief and grief recovery. (Published 5/3/2016)

Memorials and shrines are excellent reminders of people we love, but they do not necessarily facilitate recovery.

You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

We must grieve and complete each relationship so that fond memories do not turn painful on us. (Published 4/19/2016)

It's difficult to make crucial medical decisions when your emotions are up in the air. (Published 4/12/2016)

New relationship doesn't have that "I can't live without you" feeling. (Published 4/5/2016)

Finally found dad, only to have him torn away by a gory accident. (Published 3/29/2016)

The divorce or break-up ends the day-to-day physical relationship, but doesn't complete the emotional attachment. (Published 3/22/2016)

Opening the emotional door to all memories, not just the painful ones. (Published 3/15/2016)

The difficult task of letting your Alzheimer's affected family member or friend be who they are not who they used to be. (Published 3/8/2016)

The news that a former spouse died years ago can feel as raw as if it hapened today. (Published 3/1/2016)

When someone from our romantic past dies it can unearth unfinished emotions, or unresolved grief. (Published 02/23/2016)

Adapting to the painful, unwanted reality of the death of somone meaningful to you isn't easy or painless. (Published 2/16/2016)

It's best to deal with your emotions first to help you to deal with memorabilia. (Published 2/9/2016)

We need a permanent, re-locatable place to visit to remember important people in our lives who have died. (Published 2/2/2016)

It's not always possible to get back into the inner circle, but you can still deal with your broken heart. (Published 01/26/2016)

The right tools are the pathway to recovery from grief. (Published 01/19/2016)

Moving forward even when you feel stuck. (Published 1/12/2016)

An awful lot of people would just as soon leap over the holiday months - too many remidners of people who are gone. (Published 1/5/2016)

Your feelings are unique to you. Don't compare them with what it "looks" like others are feeling. (Published 12/29/2015)

Grief can feel worse when insensitive language is used. (Published 12/22/2015)

When we don't know how to deal with our grief, we wait for time to heal us, but it only gets worse. (Published 12/15/2015)

Grief is not a "process." It is a collection of memories and feelings about your relationship with the person who died. (Published 12/8/2015)

How to shift from constant painful feelings to a more comprehensive emotional view of the whole relationship. (Published 12/1/2015)

The feelings attached to a broken heart don't just roll off your back. (Published 11/24/2015)

Fear is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss. As in: How will I go on without that person? (Published 11/17/2015)

It’s okay to talk about things that weren’t always happy or pleasant. Be truthful but not mean-spirited. (Published 11/11/2015)

Nothing wrong with dreaming about someone you miss. (Published 11/3/2015)

It's not just knowing what to do, you have to do it! (Published 10/27/2015)

Grief without recovery can be never-ending! (Published 10/20/2015)

Widows and widowers sometimes get trapped in the idea that they're "cheating" when they enter new relationships. (Published 10/13/2015)

There are always things we wish had been different, better, or more, especially at the end of the life of someone important to us. (Published 10/6/2015)

Whether or not the perpetrator is ever caught and punished, you must get yourself out of your emotional jail. (Poblishec 09/29/2015)

Sometimes our well-intended advice backfires—especially when it wasn’t requested. (Published 9/22/2015)

It's difficult to define normal as it relates to grief, but if you're troubled by your thoughts and feelings, get help. (Published 9/15/2015)

When our parent[s] dies when we are very young, we're left with constant wondering of how it might have been. (Published 9/8/2015)

Raw emotions of grief are painful, especially in reaction to an unexpected death by suicide. (Published 9/1/2015)

How to help very young children who don't understand the permanence of death. (Published 8/25/2015)

The key to recovery is willingness. You can only set an example, you can't do it for them. (Published 8/18/2015)

Acceptance is a by-product of taking the actions of Grief Recovery. (Published 8/11/2015)