Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - You may regret the decision NOT to attend a memorial more than the sad feelings you might have if you attend. (Published 5/17/2016)

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You may regret the decision NOT to attend a memorial more than the sad feelings you might have if you attend. (Published 5/17/2016)

My mother died two months ago after a long illness. She’d been coping with the illness, but she broke her hip and things went downhill quickly. Right after she died, I did pretty well, but about a month later I started to fall apart. I can't concentrate on work. I cry frequently. I feel guilty because I feel I could have done more for her. I had yesterday off from work and spent the entire day doing nothing, just crying. I have a lot to do in the house but I feel paralyzed. This Friday we're driving 1000 miles to deliver her ashes to where she wants them buried, and to have a small memorial service. I don't want to go on the trip. I don't want to go to the service. And I don't want to see old friends and relatives. It makes me sick to think about it......I just feel so bad all the time now.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note.

Although you didn’t ask any questions, we will respond to your feelings about not wanting to go on the trip or see old friends and relatives.

It’s normal and natural to be unable to concentrate, to cry frequently, and to question yourself about having done more for someone – and to feel paralyzed etc.

It’s also not outside the realm of normal to not want to make the trip and see the people.

The only question you have to ask yourself is, “If I don’t go on the trip to deal with the ashes and participate in [or just attend] the memorial service, will I be able to live with myself?”

The reason that question is so important is because you can’t really duplicate some of those things at a later date.

We’ve known thousands of people who chose NOT to go to something like this and wound up regretting their decision later.

If you go and it’s uncomfortable, that’s okay, you can deal with those feelings.

But if you don’t go, as we said, you don’t get a do-over.

It’s your decision, which should be solely based on your sense of what will or won’t be okay with you later.

We hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

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You may regret the decision NOT to attend a memorial more than the sad feelings you might have if you attend. (Published 5/17/2016)

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