A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Howard,

Thanks for your note and question.

Let’s start by saying that a month is a very short amount of time in which to adapt to the death of someone who we’d guess was so important in your life.

Crying every day at this point is well within the range of normal reactions to a loss of this dimension.

And no matter how old we get, and how much we think we know about the reality of life and death, it truly is difficult to grasp the finality when someone who has always been there in our life is gone. Again, even though healing doesn’t happen as the result of the passage of time, adapting to and accepting the reality does happen within time.

Judging by what you’ve said about not getting help from the church, we get the sense that you may be feeling isolated—which is very common for grieving people.

We recommend that you do your best to avoid isolation. Reach out whenever and wherever you can.

The positive way is for you to remember the whole relationship with your mother and not just the end of her life. We’d assume that like most relationships, it had a mixture of good and not so good. Remember it all, and when you can talk to people who knew your mom, talk about some of the positive things you remember about her, and some of the things you did with her that you liked most.

It’s also okay to talk a little about things that weren’t always happy or pleasant. Be truthful but not mean-spirited.

By thinking and talking about the whole relationship you’ll paint a more even picture and won’t get so stuck in your pain.

As you say, your health is important, so how you think and feel affects how your body can deal with your condition.

Hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John