A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Karen,

Thanks for your note and questions and for your concern for your friend.

Obviously, it’s not unusual for people to have regrets about a failed marriage, but we’re not clear from your note, if when he told you before she died that he had those regrets, that he already knew that she was terminally ill. That detail does to some degree affect what you might say to him when he returns.

Without knowing the answer, we’ll give you some guidance based on other factors. Here is a basic truth: “Grieving people need and want an opportunity to talk about ‘what happened’ and about their relationship with the person it happened to.”

With that in mind, you’d never want to rob your friend of that opportunity.

Now that doesn’t mean he would want to talk to you or me, 24/7, but if you don’t open the topic, you might be doing him and your friendship a major disservice. If he doesn’t want to talk he won’t—and you would just let that be okay with you.

As to you not calling him, we disagree. Since you know that his ex died, we think you should call him and we very rarely “should” people. But in this case we’d recommend that you call him. You would say something like: “I heard that your ex-wife died, and knowing that you’d told me you had some regrets about the end of that marriage, I wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I can’t imagine what his past few weeks has been like for you.” [When you say that last part, make your voice go up at the end so it sounds like a gentle question, which is exactly what it is.] It's an invitation to talk and he’ll either accept it or not—his choice. He may not want to talk at that moment, but he will remember the offer.

The worst thing you can do is NOT to bring up the topic of his ex wife’s death. We’d have to guess that he knows that you heard about it, and if so, and you don’t mention it, he’ll think your avoiding the topic. Remember what we said in quotes above about grievers needing and wanting to talk about what happened, etc. It’s really the only thing on their minds and their hearts.

As to being at a loss for words: that’s absolutely true. It is impossible to know what to say or what is the right thing to say, because there are no universally correct things to say. Because that’s true, another of the best things to say is: “I heard your ex-wife died, and I don’t know what to say.” Since that is true for you, he will appreciate it, and, since by the time you talk to him, people will have said hundreds of incorrect and untruthful things to him [all with the intent of being helpful], and your comment will be a breath of fresh air.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John