A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Laura,

Thanks for your note and question.

What you describe about the impact of your father’s death on your eating and sleeping patterns is very typical for grieving people, especially in the first few weeks and even months following the death of someone important to them.

Also, even though we’re not doctors or therapists, we noticed that you used the word “depression,” to describe how you are. If you haven’t been formally diagnosed as “depressed” we’d recommend that you stop using that word, as it will limit your ability to deal effectively with your broken heart.

A large part of that broken heart may be the additional emotional impact caused by the circumstance in which you finally met your dad after how ever much of your lifetime had gone by without knowing him. As you say, you become ultra close, and then he got ripped away from you. [We added the idea that he got ripped away from you even though you didn’t exactly say that in your note. So if that’s not a part of what you’re feeling, we’re sorry for making that assumption.]

When someone important to us dies, there are always things we wish had been different, better, or more; and there are always unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

We highlighted that last part because again, we’d guess that having finally found your dad, you developed a host of plans for the future that now can’t be realized.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines to help you become emotionally complete not only with your father’s death, and the end of the hopes for the future, but also with all the years before you got to meet him.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John