A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Ramona,

Thanks for your note and questions.

Let’s start with the idea of eliminating comparisons, which are never helpful for grieving people. The opinions of other people are not usually helpful for you, whether or not the other person still has a living mother. There are many people who’ve had their mother die who might give you incorrect guidance or advice.

What Matters Most Is Not What Others Believe About You—It’s What You Are Feeling That May Be Keeping You Stuck.

Next, let’s jump to the last thing you wrote, “They say time heals, but how much time?” Time can’t heal emotional wounds. Time can only go by, it is what you do within time that affects how you feel.

Regarding your question, “Do I really sadden myself?”: Generally, we can be saddened by images and memories about the important people in our lives who have died. For most people, the level and intensity of the sadness naturally diminish with the passage of time, even though time doesn’t heal. What happens is, within time we adapt to the reality of the death of the other person, and as we do, the severity of the sadness reduces.

But most people is not all people. It's not uncommon for people to get stuck in sadness. Often it's because sadness and pain represent for them an idea of how much they loved the other person. Not everybody who experiences that can explain what we just said, but it really is that they develop a relationship to or an identity with the sadness/pain. So it’s not so much that you sadden yourself, but that you’re in a loop that just goes round and round.

The actions that will help you break out of that loop are the same actions that will answer your question, “How do I recover?” The actions that lead to recovery are in The Grief Recovery Handbook. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy. Start reading it and taking the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll see the sadness diminishing, and even though you will miss her in many ways, it will not be so constant, nor painful for you.

Our goals for you are: to be able to remember your mama the way you knew her in life, not only in death; to have fond memories not turn painful; and to have a life of meaning and value even though your life has been changed by her death.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John