A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

One of the frequent questions we get relates to grieving people being stuck on very painful images, like the one that gives you nightmares.

Sometimes, before you can reestablish well-being and trust in yourself and others, you have to learn an effective way of dealing with that painful image.

Many years ago we wrote an essay about getting "Stuck on a Painful Image" which now appears in our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. We will paste it in below our signature so you can read it and see how it can help you get unstuck from the nightly bad dreams.

We also realize that your grief is compounded by the fact that finally having found your dad and beginning to establish a real relationship with him, he was ripped away from you, leaving you with the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations of what that relationship could have become.

And, we don’t want to leave out your granny who was obviously so important to you in light of the struggles you had with others in your family.

In addition to using The Grief Recovery Handbook to help you get unstuck from the image issue, you can use it to help you become emotionally complete in your relationships with your dad and your granny [and the other family members]. As you do that, you will find the nightmares receding and your sense of trust for yourself and others coming back.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

“Stuck On a Painful Image.” From pages 157/158 of The Grief Recovery Handbook [Copyright - © -1998-2009, John W. James, Russell Friedman, Harper Collins Publishers]
    One of the most painful of all experiences is to have a loved one die violently. You may have seen the accident or the aftermath. You may have seen photos of the scene. Or you may only have the pictures your imagination has conjured up. In any event, for many people, the imagery seems constant, as if it will never cease. Some of you may have equally disturbing images of your loved one's final hours, days, or weeks as they struggled through a terminal illness. The devastating nature of some diseases often alters appearance so much, that you hardly recognize someone you have known your entire life.
    Most people, in trying to help a friend, will tell them not to think about it. That is very nearly impossible. We think it is more helpful to acknowledge that the images and pictures are indeed horrible and painful. We also believe that the griever needs to be gently reminded that they have many thousands of other images as well.
    Death is not alwyas a gentle slipping away, and is often difficult to watch. A woman tells us of her husband's final night at the hospital, with vivid details. Our response is, "What a horrible final picture that is for you." Then we ask, "Do you remember the first time you saw the man who became your husband?" She says yes, and we say, "Tell us what he looked like that day." And she does.
    We all have tens of thousands of images of our loved ones. Some of the images are wonderful and happy. Some are negative and sad. And sometimes the final ones are very painful, as when violence or disease have altered how someone looked. It is unrealistic to tell someone not to remember what they saw or imagined. By acknowledging the discomfort of the final, unpleasant pictures, we allow the remembering of all the other pictures. Each time the ending pictures crop up, they must be acknowledged.
    Acknowledging the painful pictures and remembering others does not deny or minimize the painful ones. When grievers are allowed and encouraged to state what they are experiencing, the painful pictures subside more quickly. This leaves more room for the review of the entire relationship, not just the ending.

[Copyright - © -1998-2009, John W. James, Russell Friedman, Harper Collins Publishers]