Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - Is Guilt the Right Word? Answering a two-pronged question from a hurting young woman. (Published 12-6-11)

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Is Guilt the Right Word? Answering a two-pronged question from a hurting young woman. (Published 12-6-11)

My Name is Sammi. I'm 17. My dad passed on Sept. 30. Honestly, I can’t handle it. My dad and I fought all the time. We never got along because of the past. I had a little girl and he was so happy when I brought her to visit, because he thought he'd never get to see her. I saw him for the last time 15 days before he died, and I have a picture with him and my daughter and me. He looked so sick. How do I get over the fact that he's gone? How do I get over the guilt I have? How do I forgive myself for not getting him help when I saw the condition he was in? I’m depressed about all of this and I don’t know how to do this without him!
Hi, it’s Sammi again. Sorry to bother you, but I have another question. My sister is very depressed because our dad died exactly a week after her birthday, and she just doesn’t know what to do. What can I tell her? She hardly went to visit him and she regrets that very much. How do I tell her that none of it was her fault, and that she shouldn’t blame herself?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Hi Sammi,

There’s one thing in each of your notes that really stood out when we read them one after the other.

About yourself you asked: "How do I get over the guilt I have?"

And about your sister you asked: "How do I tell her that none of it was her fault and that she shouldn’t blame herself?"

Both questions are about guilt. But maybe guilt is not really what either of you are dealing with. Guilt implies intent to harm, and it’s not clear to us that either of you did anything with intent to harm your father. As you say about your sister, “She regrets not going over there very much.” Regret and guilt are really different things that produce different feelings.

The Grief Recovery Handbook addresses the issue of guilt—or not—and shows you what you can do to deal with all the feelings you’re having. We recommend that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy so that you and your sister can start reading it and then taking the actions it suggests.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John

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Is Guilt the Right Word? Answering a two-pronged question from a hurting young woman. (Published 12-6-11)

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