A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Jacqueline,

Thanks for your note and question.

Many people are surprised to find themselves with a great deal of emotion a substantial time after the death of someone important to them.

In your circumstances, with much of your energy dedicated to your pursuit of your degree, some of the emotions relative to your mom, may have been inadvertently shunted aside.

We were not surprised to read in your note that when you completed your degree, your feelings of grief surfaced even stronger.

In some ways, throwing ourselves into work or studies, acts as what we call a S.T.E.R.B. [Short Term Energy Relieving Behavior] in The Grief Recovery Handbook. That is not to say or imply that you were consciously or intentionally avoiding the grief or the actions of grief recovery.

A basic issue in your note is your very last comment,” I really thought I would have experienced healing by this time.”

Therein lies the rub. The assumption that time heals emotional wounds, or completes what was left emotionally unfinished at the time of a death, is the problem. Time cannot heal an emotional wound anymore than time can fix a flat tire. It takes actions within time.

Time just goes by—it doesn’t do anything. And sometimes worse, time tends to push our feelings down or away or out of sight. Thus your surprise when they resurfaced.

Time for action: We suggest that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and book stores] and read it and take the actions it suggests which will help you discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished for you in your relationship with your Mom.

We hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell Friedman
And
John W. James