A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Pauline,

Thanks for your note and question, and thanks for being so totally honest about how overwhelmed you are with the responsibilities you’ve taken on and the burden of essentially doing it alone.

It’s amazing how disconnected we can feel when some of the most important people in our lives die. It’s not a surprise to us that you feel the way you do, and that without them here for support, that life doesn’t feel joyful for you.

We know a lot of people will tell you that you shouldn’t feel that way. But we’d never say that because we've interacted with too many people over the years who say many of the same things you’re saying.

While we can’t bring back your sisters or your mom, we may be able to guide you to being able to get yourself back into your own life in a more positive way. We know that might seem impossible to you, based on the way you feel right now, but we believe that if you give our suggestions a try, you might be surprised at the results.

We want to start by changing the language in your question, “How do I be strong?”

When people say they need to Be Strong or Be Strong for the Children, we give them a new choice. We say, “You can be strong or you can be human. Pick one!”

When people try to Be Strong for others, they tend to hide their own feelings. When you do that in front of the children, they get confused because your body language doesn’t match what they see and sense.

The best thing to do instead of trying to Be Strong is to be Emotionally Honest. Tell the truth about yourself, especially when you are feeling sad. That not only will help you, but it will help teach the children how to be honest about their grief.

If you just show them Strong when it isn’t truthfully how you feel, you will be teaching them how to lie. We know that’s not what you want to do.

We hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

John and Russell, Pauline from LA has submitted a question to the Tributes.com Grief Recovery Institute Guidance Center at 18:38 EST on 03-06-2012. Pauline can be reached at [email protected]. The question reads: I lost my mother about 23 years ago and my oldest sibling took over the responsibility of being mom to myself and 7 other sisters and brothers. Three years ago we lost one sibling, a girl who was fifty years old. I held on tightly to the older sister for support and she also passed away last March. I have one other sister but we are not as close as I was to this sister. I really don't want to live anymore but again I have my own children and my two deceased sisters’ children, totaling 9 kids. I am so distraught and close to giving up but all theses kids need me. How do I be strong?