A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Catherine,

Thanks for your note and question.

We certainly agree with you that you were “robbed” robbed of all the things you mentioned—the chance to see your father and talk to him before he died, and the opportunity to attend a funeral or memorial service.

And as far as we’re concerned, there aren’t any good reasons for that information and availability to be withheld from you, no matter what your relationship is/was with your stepmother.

While all of that is true, we want to address the issue in your question, “It has been 2 years since our father died, shouldn't I be over this by now?”

If we had to guess what is the most frequent question we get about grief, it is those that presume that “time would heal” a broken heart. In your question, the idea is that within two years, something should have had lifted, including the pain or other feelings about your father.

In addition to the time problem, there's also the issue of the “be over,” or “getting over” when someone important to us has died. Being over or getting over implies forgetting, and you are never going to forget your father. And since you won’t forget him, there will always be some feelings about him and your relationship with him.

The key to grief recovery is for you to discover and complete what is left emotionally unfinished for you. That includes the unfortunate facts about not being notified or being able to see him before he died. And within your relationship with your father, we’d guess that you have some issues about him marrying your stepmother who we imagine you might have struggled with even long before your father died.

To help you get emotionally complete with your father and everything that did and didn’t happen, we suggest that you go to the library or book store and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it suggests, you'll begin to sense a shift and begin to feel more emotionally complete. With that, you’ll be able to move forward in your life.

As to having been “written off”: That may be true, and if it is, you can apply the principles and actions in the book to help you deal with the people you believe have done that.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John