Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - The actions of completion will not be “letting go” of and losing your friends, instead they will allow you to retain all the fond memories you have of them. (Published 10/23/2012)

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The actions of completion will not be “letting go” of and losing your friends, instead they will allow you to retain all the fond memories you have of them. (Published 10/23/2012)

Last year my best friend, along with another friend, were walking down the road when another former classmate was driving. The driver crossed into the opposite lane into the shoulder of the road where they were walking, hitting and killing them both. My best friend was 15, a month away from 16, and my other friend was 18, the same age as the driver.
I haven't been the same since. I'm 16 right now, 15 at the time of the accident. I find myself losing much ambition for life and I never seem to be happy. My best friend is always on my mind. When I said I'm losing ambition for life I don't mean I'm suicidal, I just don't get out of the house as much anymore and I lose interest to hang out with other friends.

My question is, how to end this constant depression, or at least just ease the pain? I know my best friend would want me to enjoy life, as I did with him. It's just so difficult. I feel awful that I do that. I'm still very close with his family, and I've gotten much closer with my other friend's family.
I spend a lot of time up at the cemetery, where they are buried side by side. Is it good to go there so often? When I visit them I do seem to be in a better mood. Is it common to feel like if you move on that you're letting go of them? How, if possible, do I change that feeling? What about forgiving the driver? I haven't done that, nor do I think I will.

If you could give me some answers to my questions it would mean a lot. I may even look into your book. At school people ask me if I'm alright because I just look sad, even though I try to pretend I'm ok. I can tell my parents are also concerned with me. I just want to live happier because I know that's what my friends and family would want.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kyle,

That’s a painful story to read and frankly, it’s almost impossible to imagine what it’s like for you to have to carry it with you.

We certainly do know that your experience of diminished ambition and reduced happiness is typical for grieving people. The key is to move from being a grieving person to being a person who has taken actions of Grief Recovery.

There’s nothing wrong with going to the cemetery, but you must also take actions of Grief Recovery—otherwise you may become stuck in the loop that you’ve been in between staying home, losing ambition and feeling bad. While visiting the cemetery may be helpful for you emotionally, it doesn’t break the cycle of staying home, feeling bad etc.

Taking the actions of Grief Recovery will help you feel more emotionally complete and less constantly sad. It will allow your natural exuberance for life to return without diminishing your love for your friends and the fact that you miss them. Taking the actions of completion will not be “letting go” of and losing your friends, instead they will allow you to retain all the fond memories you have of them. That will allow you to remember them as you knew them in life, not only as you knew them in death; and it will allow you to redevelop a life of meaning and value even though it is dramatically different than what it might have been had your friends not died.

Please do go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. All the actions of Grief Recovery are in the book. It will guide you along the way. And, it will give you some very special guidance about forgiveness which we believe you will find very helpful.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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The actions of completion will not be “letting go” of and losing your friends, instead they will allow you to retain all the fond memories you have of them. (Published 10/23/2012)

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