A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Penny,

Thanks for your note and question.

The sad truth of your note is a comment we hear all the time from grieving people, about the fact that time not only doesn’t heal emotional wounds, but with the passage of time, it often feels worse.

In our books and lectures, we constantly talk about the six myths of grief, one of which is that “time heals all wounds.”

The best example we can give of how time doesn’t fix anything is the image of a flat tire. If you just pull up a chair and sit and stare at a flat tire, you can sit there for a thousand years, and that tire is going to stay flat.

You must take actions to repair the flat tire or you are not going to get back on the road. One action is to get out the jack and the spare tire, and change the tire yourself. The other is to realize the main reason you have a cell phone, and call the Auto Club and have them come change the tire. Either way, action must be taken so you can drive again.

The parallel is that a broken heart is remarkably like a flat tire. The energy for life is limited. And as you say, “I don't like life anymore and don't want to do anything really...I feel forced into a lot.” Those are powerful words, and indicate the level and degree to which your emotional tires are flat.

The answer to your question, “Is this normal?” is, YES, if you were taught like most of us were, that time heals all wounds. So you have to unlearn that false idea, and become aware that actions create healing, time can only go by.

We also want to comment on your powerful statement, “I am so close to my parents that I feel I've lost a part of me when Daddy passed.” That sentiment is one that we hear all the time, and we know that it is a very normal feeling that represents the physical feelings we have when someone very important to us dies.

Now, back to the actions you need to take that will help you deal with all the feelings – and some absence of feelings – you’re having. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you to that, the energy and desire to participate in life will return for you, and will allow you to be more present and available to your Mom, if you choose to do that.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John