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Alcohol can leave a trail of destruction in its wake! (5-31-11)

Anonymous from WA writes:
My husband, 21 years married and together 24, died suddenly, after having a wonderful day with his boys, grandchildren, our very close friend and myself. He died alone, at home, and was not found for hours afterwards. He had just been through years of hell, alcohol, and had just come out of treatment and was on his way back to his real self. Now he is gone and all that anyone seems to remember about him are the last few years. Why do I have to keep reminding everyone that that was not who he was? I miss him so much but his memory is being destroyed by others around me and I see how it hurts our children—young adults—and I am so torn about how to respond.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Sadly, we’ve heard this kind of problem many times before.

Alcoholism, as you know, leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. While you knew the real man underneath the alcohol—and the sometimes bad behavior it caused—the others may not have known him as well. Some of them may have been hurt by things he did or did not do to them. And for whatever reasons, they may be unwilling to forgive him.

This may sound a little harsh, but perhaps you have to let them come to whatever conclusions they choose, while you focus on dealing with your emotions about his death.

The more you do that, the more you’ll be able to help your children know what you perceive to be the “real truth” about who their dad was.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make me feel inferior without my consent.” We would paraphrase that for you to say, “No one can tamper with your memory about your husband without your permission.”

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John

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Alcohol can leave a trail of destruction in its wake! (5-31-11)

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