Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - Punishing yourself for something you didn't cause, and lack the power to undo, is unfair to you. (Published 10/18/16)

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Punishing yourself for something you didn't cause, and lack the power to undo, is unfair to you. (Published 10/18/16)

I wrote a tribute to my best friend who just died. The truth is, we were friends for many years, lived about 2 feet away from each other for about 15 years, but this friend often treated me very badly. She stopped talking to me when HER DOG BIT MY CHILD because she was paranoid that I reported her to the Health Dept. I didn't; the hospital does. She didn't speak to me for 15 years, reappeared over the phone, and we spoke daily for two years. Then, one terrible thing after the other happened to her, and she became very nasty to me. But I continued to listen because I knew she was grieving over her husband. One day, when my life was also in jeopardy, I told her to stop calling me. She had lost it, and everyone else told me to do it, and they were right. But she continued to not eat, drink instead, and she died. I know this is not my fault, but I can't forgive myself. I wrote her a letter in my journal, saying, "I am so sorry." I have had many losses, but I am having a lot of trouble forgiving myself for telling her off.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Irene,

Thanks for your note. Although you didn’t ask a direct question, we can sense the area that you’d like us to respond to.

Sometimes we’re impacted by bad luck or, in this situation, bad timing.

The fact that you’d finally had enough of her constant haranguing about you, being nasty directly to you on the phone, just happened to occur at a time that was clearly going to be the end of her life.

We have no doubt that if you had told her off many years earlier, she wound NOT have died back then.

Assigning a value to your behavior, as if you had the power to cause her to stop eating, etc., is just false.

To punish yourself for what you lacked the power to do is unfair to you. Perhaps the reason you can’t forgive yourself is the fact that you did nothing wrong.

After all, what you were doing — finally — was taking care of yourself and not letting her run roughshod all over you.

The singular apology you issued in your journal may not have been enough, however, as there was much more to your relationship with her than that one event.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you take the action it outlines, you’ll feel more emotionally complete with her, and with all of the things that did and didn’t happen over the years.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

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Punishing yourself for something you didn't cause, and lack the power to undo, is unfair to you. (Published 10/18/16)

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Ask The Grief Experts Archives

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