A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Heartbreaking issues and awkward questions that nobody can give clear and direct answers for: Will it ever get better? Why can't I accept her death? When will I heal?

One of the points in your story that jumped out at me was that your “sister would be someone who I could always count on.” That lets me know that the very person you might have gone to talk about your broken heart is the very person who’s death and absence you need to talk about.

In addition to missing someone “safe” to talk to about how you feel, you need to learn the actions of Grief Recovery that can lead to feeling better and being able to adapt [we like that term better than accept] to your sister’s death; and ultimately to not being so negatively overwhelmed by her absence. As you can see, I avoided using the word “heal”, as that is an awkward word that implies never feeling bad again – which isn’t true or possible. What we believe is that you will never forget your sister and you will think about her a lot—especially since you have relationships with her children which reminds you of her; and from time to time you will miss her—sometimes more than others. But you will be able to restart your life with much less pain even though she’s not here.

In order to do that, we recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and book stores]. The actions of Grief Recovery detailed in the book will help you become more emotionally complete with your sister who died and allow you to move forward with less pain.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell Friedman And John W. James