A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and poignant story.

Some of the losses that befall us are beyond comprehension, and your story is one of them.

One problem is that if you ever were to know exactly what happened or why, it wouldn’t do much to help you.

A question we sometimes have to ask people is, “Would you miss him any less if he’d died some other way?”

Of course the answer is always no.

The other thing we want to comment on is the loss-inside-of-the-loss for you which is the massive “loss of trust” that has made you fearful of getting close to someone and/or letting someone get close to you.

Next we have to say that even though you have sought therapy, you indicate that the therapy and the drug intervention haven’t done much to help you. Sadly, that doesn’t surprise us—it’s a lament we hear all too often.

The problem is that most therapies don’t contain a series of actions that lead to recovery or completion of what was left emotionally unfinished for you at the time of the death. And obviously, drugs no nothing more than cover up the pain a little bit, if that, but don’t cause anything good to happen.

And of course, faced with the persistent feelings you have, you can’t imagine wanting to live that way for the rest of your life—which is very understandable.

We can’t promise you anything, but perhaps we can give you some hope.

If you’ve read some of our articles and some of the questions and answers we’ve posted on Tributes.com, you’re probably aware of our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and bookstores]. The key to hope for you is in the sub-title of the book which is, The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith. It may well be what you’ve been looking for when you went into therapy. Obviously you wanted to feel better and we assume that you would have taken helpful actions if they'd been suggested.

Get the Handbook and start taking the actions it outlines. In part, it will help you realize that you have major losses before you met your fiancé who died. Example:being in an abusive marriage is a huge loss in many ways, not mention an incredible “loss of trust,” along with the other losses you indicate when you say “I feel like my entire life has been a struggle…”

Do it now! Your son at age 12 needs you to be a guide. He has had many grief events in his life also. To be his leader, you need to learn how to deal effectively with your own losses so he can learn from you.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John