A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Dana,

Thanks for your note and questions.

As you’re obviously aware, the little girl does not comprehend the permanence of death. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to advance her understanding at her age, with the exception of being as direct and honest as possible, within the framework of her language skills.

Also, the “metaphor”* of heaven is difficult for very young children as they are very literal—witness her wanting to visit. You may have to back up and re-explain the idea of heaven, as best you can, in a way that reduces the sense that it is a tangible place that she can visit. You might be able to help her have a sense of holding her daddy close in her heart.

It’s also likely that the five year old may not have a firm grasp on what death means, though she may be able to parrot words and ideas that make it seem as if she does. Please pay attention for signs that she might think that her daddy might come back, and gently explain—again in age-appropriate language—that daddy isn’t coming back.

Please go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of When Children Grieve. In that book, we write extensively about the issues you’re concerned with and how to approach children of different ages with differing awareness of the reality of death. One chapter is called Euphemism + Metaphors = Confusion.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

*Some people might take offense at the use of the word metaphor as it relates to heaven, since they may have a very literal belief of it as a real place. We cannot say whether or how heaven exists, but we know the issue you’re concerned about with the littlest one is very real and very common.