A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Trace,

As a step-dad myself, I am very touched by your letter.

And, like most people, I have gone over events in my life—including auto accidents—and realized that if I had left the house one second later or one second earlier, the accident probably wouldn’t have happened. By the same token, I realized that in similar ways, I might not have met my spouse or gotten my job, if a certain incredible string of things had not occurred. Even so, I think we all naturally do that kind of thinking after the fact, especially when something tragic has happened.

I think the biggest issue for you now is something that we written about in previous responses to questions. Our reply is titled, Stuck On a Painful Image, and in that answer we actually reprint a page from our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. Here’s a link to that reply: http://www.tributes.com/grief_recovery_center/featured_answer/31

We think that if you stay focused on the story and images of how your step-father died, you are removed from the other really important issues, which are about your relationship with him, and what he meant to you—and we’re sure, of how much you meant to him.

I’m not a fan of the idea that “it was just his time,” because even if that’s somehow intellectually true [which I doubt] it is of no emotional value to you as a griever.

I do believe your heart is broken in a million pieces; and I do not believe you are to blame for what happened. Get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you’ll be able to remember and talk about the whole relationship and not just the ending.

After you’ve done some work in the book, please feel free to contact me, and I’ll give you some guidelines for dealing with whatever feelings you might still have about the drunk driver.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John