A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

OUCH!

So much to deal with – the death of your daughter, and the fact that she had never really come to grips with life; and on top of that to become the full-time custodian of your grand-child.

As to your comment about mixed emotions about meeting his needs and, your poignant question, “How can I be happy and sad at the same time?”: We define grief as “the conflicting emotions caused by the change or end in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

Using just that definition, what you describe about yourself makes total sense to us – and therefore, as best as we can, we DO understand and HEAR your position. We recognize that you may not have the emotional or physical energy for the job of being a full-time mom of a little boy.

We don’t know what can or will happen, but we do know that regardless of where your grandson winds up living, you will need to take some actions to help yourself deal with the variety of losses we mentioned in our opening sentence.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and then start taking the actions it outlines. One of the results of doing what the books suggests is that you will get back some of your energy, and that level of exhaustion you refer to will diminish.

Also at the library or bookstore, get a copy of our other book, When Children Grieve. Whether or not you become the full-time parent/guardian of your grandchild, you will find that book essential in helping you guide your grandson as his emerging awareness of the death of his mother starts to affect him.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John