Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - If you stay focused on this one thing—no matter how big it is to you—you rob yourself of the richness and complexity of the whole relationship over three decades. (Published 11/6/2012)

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If you stay focused on this one thing—no matter how big it is to you—you rob yourself of the richness and complexity of the whole relationship over three decades. (Published 11/6/2012)

I lost my partner of 31 years six months ago. She died from cervical cancer caused from HPV.
She was unfaithful to me nineteen years ago. She had an affair with a co-worker. She told me that she never slept with him, but I know for a fact she did. She did it when she went out with her best friend.
Well the guy she was with wrote a poem on her obituary. Since he did that my life has fallen apart. I contacted him to try and get the truth, but he lies to me. Her best friend knows also but she says she can’t remember, and that is a lie also. I have always been the type of guy that needs to know the truth. I stuffed all this down deep inside myself 19 years ago. When he posted on her obituary it brought up all these bad memories and bad feeling.
I feel like I can't cope with all of this. My partner would have told me the truth if I would have asked her, but she was too sick to ask. I feel like I need them to tell me the truth as I don't want my partner to have gone to her grave with this secret, even though I know it to be fact. Any help you may give me might help

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note, painful though it is to read.

As we read it, we kept hearing you say that you know what the truth is—but that you keep wanting someone to confirm that what you already know is true.

While we can understand your desire to know more, we also understand why the other people you mention are unwilling to tell you anything. We can guess that they may be honoring a promise they made to your partner.

But even though the issue of her long-ago deceit is really important to you, it seems to us that the even more important is your broken heart that she’s gone. And with her death, has gone the possibility of having her tell you the truth.

While that's sad, and it's about a very important issue, we’d imagine that over 31 years, there were many, many other things, good and bad, between you. If you stay focused on this one thing—no matter how big it is to you—you rob yourself of the richness and complexity of the whole relationship over three decades.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. It will help you look at the whole relationship and not just one very unfortunate element of it.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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If you stay focused on this one thing—no matter how big it is to you—you rob yourself of the richness and complexity of the whole relationship over three decades. (Published 11/6/2012)

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