A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your note and request for guidance.

Based on your age [and your sister’s] we’d guess that your daddy was very young. That coupled with the suddenness of his death obviously adds an additional emotional dimension to your pain.

We imagine you are devastated beyond words, and the image of you feeling like a little girl makes total sense to us. We know that the death of someone important to us is scary and when we’re scared we usually feel very young.

Even though we acknowledge and agree with that feeling, we want to take a word away from you. That word is “guilt.” Guilt implies intent to harm. We see nothing in your story in which there is any intent on your part to harm your sister. Instead, we think you are heartbroken—on her behalf and for yourself—that your daddy will not be there when she gets married and when her children are born.

The reality is that you can’t “make it up to her,” that’s not possible. What you can do is become as emotionally complete as you can with your father so you can allow his presence to be felt on the day your sister gets married. We also want you to be able to share him with your sister’s children—as with yours—so they can know him through you.

Please go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll feel a shift which will allow you to have fond memories of him not turn painful on you. Hopefully, as you do the work, your sister will be encouraged to do it also, so she can keep your daddy in her heart and spirit without pain.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John