A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

First, we’d like to acknowledge and honor your love and concern for your husband.

The next part is not so easy. As you have probably realized in your life, it is very difficult—if not impossible—to help someone who doesn’t want or hasn’t asked for help.

When it comes to Grief Recovery, we don’t believe in intervention, because you can’t force someone to do something just because you think it’s right for them.

Oddly enough, the best way of possibly helping someone else is by helping yourself.

While your husband is clearly the “primary griever” in all the losses you mentioned, the fact is that you probably knew—and had relationships with—all those important people in his life who died. And, while you may not have a long list of untimely deaths like he has, you have your own list of losses of various kinds.

If you take actions to help yourself “grieve and complete” your relationships with those people, you will be setting an example for what he must do. You will do that without ever pushing him or indicating that he has a problem. You will simply lead by example.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, not only will good things happen for you, but there’s a high probability that your husband will see the changes in you and will be encouraged to take actions for himself.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John