Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - The death of someone important to us robs the possiblity of repairing damaged relationships, but we can still become emotionally complete. (Published 9/16/2014)

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The death of someone important to us robs the possiblity of repairing damaged relationships, but we can still become emotionally complete. (Published 9/16/2014)

My mom died in December, 2010. She was my only relative. I was not a good daughter, and I have an incredible amount of regrets, sorrows, heartache and baggage about how I treated her. I cry every day. I cannot drive near an ambulance, or go into a hospital, let alone the one she died in. I deserve to be an empty shell and wallow in regrets, but when can I start to heal? How much longer will the pain, despair and sorrow last? How much longer will I hate myself?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Gail,

Thanks for your note and questions.

While it may be realistic for you to define yourself so negatively, even if you have a boatload of regrets of how you treated your mom, it’s not helpful for you.

That said, you have some work to do—and it’s work you would have to do even if you had been close to a perfect daughter.

When relationships end due to the death of one person, we are always left with many things we wish either we or they had said or done differently, better, or more. And we are also left with many unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

For you, a great deal of what you’re left with falls into the idea of things you wish you’d done or not done, or said or not said to your mom. And, since her death happened before you had taken the opportunity to really apologize for those things, you may feel trapped with them.

The good news is that the actions in The Grief Recovery Handbook are designed to help you complete what was left unfinished for you, no matter how badly you may have acted towards her when she was alive. The book is available in most libraries and bookstores. Get it and start taking the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll find a shift in how you feel and a real reduction in the pain, despair and sorrow you feel. And thankfully, you will stop hating yourself.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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The death of someone important to us robs the possiblity of repairing damaged relationships, but we can still become emotionally complete. (Published 9/16/2014)

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Ask The Grief Experts Archives

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