Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - It's normal for dying people — and their caretakers — to get cranky from time to time. (Published 12/13/16)

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It's normal for dying people — and their caretakers — to get cranky from time to time. (Published 12/13/16)

My father died several months ago. He had been sick for about a year with dementia and heart disease. As his dementia progressed, he became more and more difficult. My mom, at times, was pretty nasty to him because she didn't understand what was happening and why he wouldn't bathe, or why he made messes in his pants and on the floor. For a year, she washed his wet sheets, cleaned up his messes and hounded him to bathe. She is now having a difficult time with the nasty words she said to him. How do I help her?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Linda,

Thanks for your note and question.

Although it might be obvious, people forget that dying people and/or people with difficult conditions, can be cranky and sometimes downright ornery; and the people who tend to them can react to those moods and deeds with strong emotions of their own.

That is not to say that we are excusing or condoning what your mom may have said or done in her frustration at his actions and attitudes, but more to say that her reactions at the time were well within the range of normal — in an abnormal situation.

For her to hold her own feet to the fire for being human in her reactions is patently unfair to her.

If I were to talk to her, I would probably ask her, “Did you ever consciously plan to harm him in any way?” And I’m pretty sure her answer would be “NO!”

If guilt implies intent to harm, your mom certainly wouldn’t be “guilty” of anything other than trying her best, under diabolical circumstances, to take care of the man who we assume had been her spouse for many, many years.

If he were alive, she could apologize. But since he has died, her apology would have to be indirect.

But apologies are only one piece of the puzzle. She also needs to forgive him (still indirectly) for the mayhem he caused – even though it really wasn’t him anymore.

It may be difficult for your mom to understand the idea of these apologies and forgiveness on their own. Please get her a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. We hope she’ll read the whole book and take the actions it outlines. If she’s not willing to do that, direct her to the sections on Apologies and Forgiveness from pages 136 to 140.

Oh, before you give her the book, read it yourself. We never recommend you give a book like ours if you haven’t read it, as it will seem to her that you’re saying she needs help. So after you the book, give it to her with this statement, “Mom, here’s a book that I’ve read and found to be very helpful for me. I thought you might really get some benefit from it also.”

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

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It's normal for dying people — and their caretakers — to get cranky from time to time. (Published 12/13/16)

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