A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Jessica,

Thanks for your note and question.

It’s surprisingly common that someone is left devastated by the death of someone shortly after there had been an argument. And while there’s a certain logic in assigning blame to yourself, as if your angry words had somehow caused the death, that just isn’t true.

The end of your mother’s life, while tragic, if only because of her young age, is just one part of your grief. The little bit you’ve mentioned in your note indicates that you did not have the typical mother-daughter relationship, and even though you had maintained some contact, we don’t get a sense that it was a warm and fuzzy relationship over the relatively few years you knew each other.

To us that indicates that in addition to the circumstances of your fight with her before she died, you probably have a whole lot of what we would call “unfinished emotional business” about your life with [and without] her before she died.

As to blaming yourself: We doubt that at the time you fought with your mother a month before she died, that you intended for your words to cause her to die. Since it is unlikely that’s true, then the idea of blaming yourself makes no sense. We do know that grief and emotions don’t always make sense, but blaming yourself is not accurate and not helpful for you.

Please go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. You might take the book with you to see your therapist and discuss the idea of taking the actions in the book. The process in the book will help you feel more emotionally complete with what did and didn’t happen over your lifetime with your mother. And, as a result, you will stop blaming yourself for something that you did not cause.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John