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Grief without recovery can be never-ending! (Published 10/20/2015)

I lost my Great Grandmother May 2010, then in 2011 my father-in-law became ill with cancer. I took care of him and was with him in my home the morning he died a few months later. I feel so overwhelmed because I don't feel I ever got to fully mourn for my Great Grandmother whom I was very close to. Then, wham, I lose my father in law. The impact felt harder because I cared for him, and everyone says I only feel this way because of the fact that I was his primary care giver. How do I mourn for two loved ones that held such precious places in my life? I feel as if I am losing my mind. I talked to God in prayer and I still feel my questions are not answered. I can't even think about holiday celebrations for the children and my family, though I know they expect the same traditional gatherings I've always done! Is there anything you can suggest that may help me see joy again? Help me feel like all I worked hard for is really worth it? Am I just walking to a grave? If so, then why do we as humans even try?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Chanell,

Thanks for your note and questions.

The fact is that you have been mourning both of them. The problem is that you haven’t known how to become emotionally complete in your relationships with them, so you just keep grieving [mourning].

But grief without recovery is never-ending, and as you’ve learned, time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, even though we’ve been told that since as far back as we can remember.

Unresolved grief drains energy and robs choice. That’s a way of explaining why you’re unwilling or fearful of thinking about the holidays.

Go to the library or book store and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll sense some shifts. Among them, more access to your fond memories of your Great Grandmother and your father-in- law, and the memories will not cause you pain. With the freedom that brings, you’ll be able to enjoy the holidays and talk about them. You may have some tears and sadness, missing them, but not the kind of pain you’ve been experiencing.

Prayer is fine, but as you’ve noticed, it doesn’t answer questions nor make the pain go away. One thing you can do is pray for the courage to do the work of grief recovery.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

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Grief without recovery can be never-ending! (Published 10/20/2015)

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