A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Yolanda,

Thanks for your note and questions.

Let’s start with your comment, “I cannot forget about them like my siblings have.” We don’t think it’s possible for people to forget their parents, so even though your siblings don’t talk about them, we doubt they’ve forgotten. But the real point is that you must NOT compare yourself and your feelings to anyone else. Your feelings and the memories you have about your parents, and the love you have for them is yours, and you mustn’t let anyone else’s behavior distract you from your feelings.

As to the flowers that have been removed. That’s awful! Please make sure you report that to the cemetery staff. Graveyards are sacred and are not supposed to be desecrated in any way. What you might do, is keep either artificial flowers or fresh flowers or plants in your home, in a special place, perhaps with pictures of each of your parents. That way no one can steal what you have put there. You can still visit the grave-site.

Next, regarding your statement about feeling guilty: Guilt implies intent to harm. We have no sense from reading your note, that you ever would have intentionally done anything to harm your parents. Whether or not you may have fallen short of what you believe their expectations for you were, you aren’t guilty if you had no intent to harm, but when you use that word about yourself, you feel worse.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll start to sense a shift in how you feel, and it will help you deal with the things you might have done differently or better that are making you feel “guilty.”

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John