A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Stephanie,

Grief and unresolved grief create enormous amounts of emotional energy – while at the same time draining energy and exhausting the griever.

In The Grief Recovery Handbook we use an acronym, STERBs, as shorthand for Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors.

What you describe, in terms of your sister’s incredible output of energy [cleaning- taking care of the dogs, etc.], is a perfect example of a STERB. STERBS are very normal and natural reactions to major grief-producing events.

I have little doubt that her husband’s death has been the most life-shattering event in her life, and that his absence creates volumes of energy that she is trying to dispel – not knowing what else to do with it all.

Time won’t heal her broken heart anymore than time would put air back into a flat tire. As with a flat tire, actions are required to the get the car back on the road, and actions are required to get her heart back into the mainstream of life – even without him here.

The actions that can help her are detailed in The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and book stores].

Rather than there being something you can say to help, there’s something you can do. Get a copy of the Handbook and read at least the first 58 pages – Part One. Then you can give the book to your sister with this statement: “I have found this book to be very helpful, I thought you would benefit from it also.” Saying it that way will not make her think that you’re saying there’s something wrong with her.

I want to mention that you are very correct when you say it’s only been four months, and her grief is probably still very raw. While we did indicate that time can’t heal a broken heart, adapting to the painful, new, unwanted reality of the death of someone important to us happens within time, and is usually accompanied by a host of STERBs and a very diminished emotional and physical state.

We hope this helps.

Russell Friedman And John W. James