A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Patricia,

Thanks for your note and question.

There are so many elements in your story.

First and foremost is the missing of your mom-best friend, who was obviously so important in your life. We imagine that she was the person you would normally go to when your heart hurt, and now her absence is the cause of your pain.

Next is your concern for your dad and his well being—and we’d also guess, the impact that his pulling away has on your children—as well as you. Although we don’t know the ages of your children, we know that it’s still awkward for them to see him not being emotionally available, and him not letting you or them help him or be there for him.

The problem is that he’s probably pretty fixed in his ways, and one of his ways is to do it on his own. And, every attempt you make to either help him or suggest he get help, may push him further away.

The best thing you can to to help him, as strange as it may seem, is for you to help yourself. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, something will start to shift in you. As that happens, the way you talk about your feelings will change, and your dad will see that. It may – only may – encourage him to open up and talk about what he’s feeling.

The real key is for you to go first, not try to get him to go first. The same is true with your kids – regardless of their ages.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John