A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kathy,

Thanks for your note and question.

Of course it’s impossible for any us to ever know, in advance, if we've made the right decisions. Questions like that are compounded by the fact that when we’re in a crisis, trying to understand all the medical issues confronting us, we are doing so at a time when our emotions about what’s happening are off the charts.

As to falling asleep that last night: One of the things that people aren’t always aware of, is that a dying person will often find a way to die when we are not there, or possibly, as in your situation when their loved one has fallen asleep.

There is a certain kind of logic to this in that many dying people are trying to protect their loved ones from seeing them die, sometimes because they may mistakenly think that will keep the survivor from having bad memories.

You’ll never know for sure if your husband was trying to avoid having you see him die. But oddly enough, it’s possible that you did him a favor by falling asleep and thereby letting him go.

The problem is that you’re left with that idea/feeling of having let him down.
Rather than trying to “get past this,” we’d suggest that you do some work that will help you feel more emotionally complete with what did and didn’t happen, not only on that last night, but throughout your relationship with your husband.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of  The Grief Recovery Handbook . Read it and take the actions it outlines. You’ll feel a real shift. Also, it will show you a better way to deal with the lingering idea that you did something wrong during his illness and on that last night.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John