A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Taylor,

Thanks for your note and question.

Yes, we’d imagine that the pain of losing your mom was—and is—the worst feeling you’ve ever had.

Sadly, when the people in our lives keep telling us that it will get better, they are simply continuing the the myth that “time heals all wounds.” Although they mean well, the impact of that kind of advice is not helpful, in part because it doesn't tell you what you can do to start to feel better.

As you know—all too well—it not only isn’t getting better more than a year and a half later, it may feel to you like it’s getting worse.

Yes, there are actions you can take to reduce or eliminate the pain, AND keep the memories of your relationship with your mom. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will find things starting to change for you, for the better.

Something personal from me, Russell: My mom died on the day before Thanksgiving in 1993. As you might imagine, Thanksgiving has been different for me ever since she died. What I learned to do the next year, with tears in my eyes, was to propose a toast to my mom, and to all the other people who were absent. It has turned into a tradition, and all the people at the table tell stories about their people who have died. So we get to remember, and laugh and cry, and that way keep the memories as strong as possible.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John