A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Robin,

Thanks for your note and question.

While we certainly understand your concern about your dad, we are also concerned about you.

Sometimes the best way to help someone else is to help yourself — especially if the other person isn’t technically asking you for help.

Having a personal experience related to a major holiday, let me tell you my story. My mother died the day before Thanksgiving, 19 years ago. On Thanksgiving Day, I was on an airplane flying from California to Florida. Needless to say, there was no Thanksgiving dinner for my family or me that year.

The following year, my wife and I went to a Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's home. There were about 20 people there. When we all sat down to dinner, I took the liberty of standing up and proposing the first toast, even though I was not the host. With tears in my eyes, I toasted my mother and all the other people who were not there on behalf of the others at the dinner.

What followed was amazing and heartwarming. Everyone started remembering and talking about the important people in their lives who had died, and not only those who’d died within the past year but going way back.

The evening was filled with memories and laughter and sweet tears.

It is now a tradition wherever we go on Thanksgiving.

Next year, you and your family could have the sweetest time remembering mom — and even remembering that she was the only one who knew how to organize a holiday feast.

It isn’t about the food and the presents, it’s about mom, but in her absence, you can all create her presence by talking about her.

Remember and laugh and cry, but include her, even if you burn the turkey.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John