A Grief Expert Replies:

 Dear Anon,

Thanks for your question. When someone important to us dies, we are often left with many things we wish had been “different, better, or more.” Sometimes, the situation is such that the last interaction we had with them was a fight or argument, which leaves us with an additional emotional burden beyond the normal impact of grief and the things that are never going to happen because the other person died.

Let me address the word “guilt” as it appears in your note. Guilt implies intent to harm, and although you may have reacted to the messages on your answering machine out of some anger over the argument, my guess is that you did not do that with an intent to harm him, and I assume that you certainly did not know that he was going to die before you got your disagreements sorted out. I realize that that awareness does not repair the situation, but the actions of Grief Recovery do give you a way to address the undelivered emotions you’re carrying with you that you say you cannot “get over.”

Relationships have many aspects – good, bad, and sometimes ugly. When the last interaction we had was not good, we often carry that last bad interaction forward, and sometimes lose sight of all the other elements of the relationship. When you take the actions outlined in The Grief Recovery Handbook you’ll learn how to become emotionally complete with the things that did and didn’t happen with your brother, so you can remember the whole relationship and not just the ending.

We hope this helps.

Russell & John