Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - Not informed about her mother's death until six monght later, she struggles to feel complete. (Published 12/24/2013)

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Not informed about her mother's death until six monght later, she struggles to feel complete. (Published 12/24/2013)

I lost my mother in April of this year. But I didn't find out until September. Her husband took her away from her family about 7 years ago. We didn't know where she was. He didn't notify any family members when she died. I'm having a hard time trying to find closure to this.
We had a memorial service for her and visited her grave-site, but it just seems to get harder every day. The only peace that I can find now is that I know she is in heaven and he is out of her life.
He buried her in a military cemetery in a different town then where she had died because it was free, even though she had a burial site close to her children.
I just need to find some type of closure for me and my siblings.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Wenda,

Thanks for your note.

We were saddened as we read your note. We were reminded how often grieving people do not get the immediate news of the death of a parent of other family member, and how they are robbed of attendance at a funeral or memorial. And although people do as you did and create their own memorials later, they don’t always have the same helpful emotional effect that they can have when they are soon after the death.

Closure is an awkward word in our opinion since it implies a permanent ending. While the death robs us of the physical relationship with someone who was important to us, it does not end the emotional or spiritual connection to them. We use the idea of helping people become “emotionally complete” with the person who died, rather than closing or ending the relationship.

To do that, we suggest you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. It will guide you to that emotional completion we mentioned, and that will help you be less focused on what her husband did to keep you all out of the loop, and more focused on your lifelong relationship with your mother, which is what is most important.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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Not informed about her mother's death until six monght later, she struggles to feel complete. (Published 12/24/2013)

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